Oh joy. It’s the month of #155, and having already been
spoiled to its wonderful contents, I think this review is kind of repetitive.
We all know it blows, right?
But who cares, ON WITH THE ARCHIE-ROAST yeeehaaa!!
Oh yeah. NP = nitpick.
The cover is done in soft muted colors. Sonic, against a stone wall, is curled
up in tears while clutching a paper that says ‘Marriage of Princess Sally’.
OMG, Sonic in tears. OK, well, he was in tears a few issues back when Bunnie
was being raped by the nanite-things, so…I guess it’s ok to have Sonic cry now.
But it makes perfect sense! Sonic has to show he’s got a soft, sensitive spot.
That’ll score him EVEN more hoes n’ bitches! Play on, G!
The caption is ‘Sonic the Hedgehog…alone.’
‘Line of SUCKsession…OOPs, I mean…'Line of Succession: Part One.” Written by
Penders and drawn by Fry.
The scene starts off in Castle Acorn. It’s located on a cliff, which I wasn’t
aware of before. NP: I didn’t know Knothole had tons of cliffs laying around,
but hey. Also, what’s with the architecture? For those without comics handy,
the end of the castle juts out over the cliff and is held up by a wooden
platform and some beams. Does that seem stable to you? O>O
EBIL Antoine, who’s called ‘Commander’ all throughout this issue, enters King
Max’s room with the King’s nightly alcoholic beverage. EBIL Ant comments that
‘things didn’t go very well with King Leonus today.’ Who the hell is King
Leonus? Did I miss something? *cries in confusion*
King Max says it’s hard to convince anyone to join up with the
King Acorn drinks his booze while Antoine thinks ‘Ahh, zat’s it. Drink it ALL
down!’ which gives me unbelievable naughty images.
The King gets a bit woozy and EBIL Ant fakes concern. The King quickly falls
asleep as Ant offers to stand guard outside the door. EBIL Ant sinisterly
thinks of how he soon will rule the Kingdom, Muahahhahaha. Ha, sweet, Eggman’s
now such a lame threat that even Antoine seems sinister in comparison. LOL
Meanwhile, outside…
Tails happens upon Sonic, whom he’s been looking for all day. Sonic has his
back turned towards the fox, but Tails quickly discovers Sonic getting
kissy-face with Fiona. He cries out ‘Sonic, how do you get it up so many times
in one day? I’m jealous!”
Or rather: “Sonic, I thought you were my friend? How could you…with her…out of
all the foxes?!”
Fiona thinks Tails is insulting her and gets a bit pissy. Tails hastens to
explain his lovey-dovey feelings for her. He fell in love with Fiona the bot,
and was now hoping that he and the real Fiona had a chance. Fiona wastes no
time in shattering the young boy’s dreams. She prefers her men to be blue,
prickly, and STD-ridden.
Tails’ eyes fill with tears. His mood rapidly swings into seething anger, and
he screams out at Sonic that he hates him! That a’boy, Tails! Let out all that
repressed rage, baby!
Tails runs off in tears…well, it’s gotta hurt when your fingers fuse together
like that. Fiona tells Sonic to leave him alone; nothing Sonic says or do can
help. Ok, well, that’s a load off Sonic’s mind. Now…let’s get the other load
off… I’m sorry…HAHAHA. (Actually, I’m not.)
Scene switch!
EBIL Antoine is piloting Queen Alicia to the castle. She wants Max examined by
a doctor ASAP. EBIL Ant has it all set up already.
‘Not long after, safely ensconced in the palace.’ OOOh, what fancy wording! It
wouldn’t do to simply say ‘safely inside the palace’ or even ‘having arrived at
the palace’, because really, why is safety even an issue? Do us, the readers,
have some niggling doubt that the palace is unsafe?!
Quack is still sporting his eyepatch. He also has incredibly bushy eyebrows
that I SWEAR he didn’t have before.
Quack: ‘Have you any idea how many times over you’d be dead by now if it wasn’t
for me, Max?’
*gasps* Is that a long awkward sentence, or what.
King Acorn and Quack have a silly little talk and then Quack tells Max to stay
in bed and rest.
NP: Does Max really need to wear his crown in bed? Doesn’t seem very
comfortable.
Quack then gives Commander Antoine a bottle of pills, instructing him to give
Max one with each meal. Because, as a doctor, it’s too hard for Quack to do it
himself! Antoine smirks at how easy his EBIL plan is unfolding.
‘A few hours later.’
Sally is outside her parent’s bedroom, annoyed at Antoine’s presence there. She
doesn’t think it's necessary for all the high security. (I guess she forgot
that in SatAM, Antoine was hardly good security. He fell asleep all the time!
)
Ant acts suck-up-ish and permits Sally to go inside. She’s annoyed still, but
her parents blow it off. Sally gives her dad a kiss (He responds with pervy
little heart bubbles) and says she missed the ‘rents while they were away. Max
tells Alicia to shut her trap, bitch. It’s time for MAD MAX to emerge! He just
can’t keep him down for long! Muahhahahaha. Oh yes precious…filthy little
Salliessss will payyyy.
Ole Max says he’s going to step down because of his health. The citizens are
going to need a new King and Queen. (What’s wrong with the old Queen? She can’t
do it herself?)
Since females are inadequate without males along to guide them, Sally is going
to have to marry a strapping young lad to share leadership. Sally freaks out.
“MARRY?! WHO?!”
Why it’s…
BATMAN! Holy shit, sweet! He brings an array of gifts...DVDs and Bat-Mobiles
and chances to be drawn into a Batman comic! Sally’s one lucky squirrel.
Oh crap. I was wrong. As I turn the page, I see that it isn’t Batman in Sally’s
future. It’s…
DUN
DUN DUN
EBIL ANTOINE! What a shocker!
Outside, seXy Antoine is smirking away because Sally has ‘no choice but to bow
to the inevitable.’ This would make such a great lemon. You can practically see
all the twisted sex fantasies going through his head. Or maybe that’s just me.
Probably.
Sally is incredulous. ‘What is this?! The Dark Ages?! Don’t I have any say in
the matter?”
Of course not, silly, you’re Archie’s bitch!
Alicia says ‘no more than I did when I had to marry this pric– err…I mean, your
father.’ Hey, it might not have been love at first sight, but it’s love now.
That makes arranged marriages A-OK!
Sally isn’t fooled! ‘And that makes it right for me to go through with
this…this farce?!’ Wohooo, you go ,Sally-girl!
But King ASSHOLE is the boss! Even though he just stepped down. So technically,
Sally is HIS boss! MAD MAX spits out: ‘Need I remind you what happened when you
let your heart be your judge? I’m just grateful that disaster ended before you
married that –commoner-.’
Arghh, I hate Archie’s King Max. Calling Sonic a ‘commoner?” WTF! That commoner
saved your kingdom and YOUR ass, jerk! He also saved your daughter’s life on
several occasions! Since when does Max hate Sonic, anyway? Did I miss
something…again?
Sally runs from the room in despair.
Later, in Knothole.
Sonic’s in his room, strumming his guitar. Bernie enters with some laundry and
compliments him on his playing, then requests ‘
The doorbell rings. It’s Bunnie. Sonic asks what brought her to his crib.
What’s with all the urban slang in this comic lately? First it’s ‘play on
playa’, now it’s ‘crib’? I can’t wait to see ‘pop a cap in yo’ ass’ in here
next.
Bunnie looks upset and Sonic asks what’s wrong. Bunnie bursts into tears and
clings to Sonic, wailing about Sally’s wedding. NP: Is Fry trying to imitate
WB’s art here?! O.o Please, don’t! We need a break from the X-treme Xpressions!
Sonic hopes it’s a joke. Nothin’ doing, Sonny-boy.
Soon, Sonic is speeding towards the castle, thinking angry thoughts about
Sally. It’s bad enough that Sally slapped him, yelled at him, which pissed him
off as it was…but for Sally to marry ‘Twan without telling him! ‘That just
ain’t right!’
Oh, Sonic, you’re one to talk, when you’ve been in the pants of every girl in
town by now!
Sonic gets to the castle bridge. I so want a map of this new Knothole layout.
It's ever changing! Anyway…Antoine’s on the bridge, demanding to know if
Sonic’s got an appointment. Sonic tells him to stuff it.
Antoine says he’s serious. He also calls Sonic ‘mon ami’, which last I checked,
is a term of friendship and/or endearment in French. He threatens Sonic to not
advance further. Sonic is unimpressed by Ant’s threats and scoffs. Ant thrusts
his sword (the metal one) in Sonic’s face with the classic phrase: ‘En Garde!’
Ant thrusts at Sonic. Sonic leaps over him, landing behind
Is Sonic losing his touch?! Just think of the past few issues! First there was
the silly inner debate in the ‘Kill Mina’ issues…should Sonic put out the fire,
or chase Nack? Hell, in SatAM, he would’ve done both! Then in the second part
of that god-awful story, Sonic is apparently too slow to dodge Heavy. And
now…he’s too freaking slow to beat Antoine in a fight? Maybe I’m just reading
too much into this.
Antoine kicks Sonic off the bridge. Sonic emerges from the water to find Ant’s
sword in his face. Ant brags that he could’ve killed Sonic for ‘threatening the
throne’ but he’ll let him off with a ‘friendly warning’ this time.
LOL Sonic is never going to live this down. Good thing there were no witnesses.
Except us!
SeXy Antoine goes to Sally’s room. He knocks, asking if he can come in. Sally
doesn’t answer, but Ant barges in anyway, much to her annoyance.
Sally wants to know why Ant is doing this, for some petty Sonic revenge, or
because he thinks they might actually work out? Ant says he doesn’t want to get
married, either. Then he spews a bunch of BS about ‘honor’, ‘obligation to
one’s king’ and other nonsense. Sally is all disenchanted and stuff. Yeah, I
know, Sal…life is a bummer.
Now we come to the Main Event of this Comic…
TEH HEROSCAPE INSERT!!!
Fuckin’ A! 8 glossy pages of gratuitous advertising. It doesn’t get much better
than this. *blissful sigh*
But alas, we must depart from the Heroscape world, and return to the twisted
world of Mobius.
Doctor Quack, looking quite homicidal, is poised over a sleeping King Max. He’s
yelling at Ant, demanding to know if MAD MAX was given his medicine as
instructed. Ant lies and says he was. Whatever Ant put in the King’s booze
must’ve been strong. MAD MAX is now in a coma! I'm really upset about this, you
guys!!
Sally bursts in the room to find out the news. Quack doesn’t know how long the
King’ll be like that. Sally leaves the room grim-faced. She tells Ant to get
her bridesmaids ready. The wedding is on.
At his home, Sonic leaves, over the protests of Bernie. Jules tells Bernie to
let Sonic grow up. Bernie is afraid Sonic will get hurt. Awww c’mon lady, your
son was fighting SWATbots when he was a preteen. I don’t think anything at the
castle is more dangerous than that!
Sonic ponders his options as he races towards the castle. Should he grab Sally
from the wedding and run? (Sounds good to me!) Or should he ‘see if the one
person who can help is willing to?’
Who could that be, I wonder.
The EBIL wedding has begun. Sally is dressed in white and being escorted by
Quack down the aisle. In the crowd are some familiar faces. Knuckles, looking
disgruntled while Julie-Su eyes him. Amy, looking worried. Bunnie is sobbing
while Mina tries to comfort her. Tommy looks drunk. Oh yeah, they’re in some
kind of stadium or something. I dunno where that came from, another of MAD
MAX’s indulgences, I guess.
Sally is strangely content as she stands at the altar. Aww, how nice that she’s
accepting her fate without a fight. With this kind of attitude, it’s a wonder
she fought against Robotnik’s seemingly unbreakable empire all those years.
Quack gives her a kiss on the forehead, and the priest (?) reads them all the
wedding vow crap. Sally says ‘I do.’
To be continued. Oh, I can’t wait.
Ugh. Just Ugh to that issue. I think Ugh just sums it all up.
Next story!
“Dulcy the Dragon in The Price of the Flame: Part 1”
Written by Mike Gallagher, Drawn by Mawhinney
The Freedom Fighters are assembled around Dulcy and a large pile of kindling. A
short-haired Sally announces a surprise ‘pep rally’ to celebrate Dulcy. People
all around are holding signs, such as ‘We Love Dulcy’ and ‘Dulcy lights my
fire!’
Sally asks Dulcy to light the kindling. Dulcy has other plans. She takes off
into the sky with a tearful expression. Sally thinks that’s an odd reaction;
Sonic ponders that they haven’t seen Dulcy breathe fire in a long time.
Dulcy is wiping her eyes, trying to think of how she could explain her lack of
fire-breathing. Why, that’s easy, she just hasn’t been eating Sonic’s extra
spicy chili. Not after that incident with the clothesline and the…but now’s not
the time for that anecdote.
She lands atop a cliff and reminisces about the past…
Once upon a time, a little dragon named Dulcy lived with her colony above
ground. Dragons had lived above ground for a long time, but apparently, it
wasn’t always so. One day, Dulcy’s mommy sent her out to pick ‘whiffleberries’.
She came back to find SWATbots attacking the colony. They must’ve brought along
a portable roboticizer, for they roboticized her friends and her mommy. She was
going to follow the metal dragons, but she was stopped by an old red dragon.
His name was Glint, and he was leading the survivors of the attack to a safe
place. It was the ancient dragon city of
The survivors of the attack, plus many other survivor dragons from other
regions, lived under Glint’s rule in Vesuvio. He imposed a strict rule that no
one was to go above ground. If they did, they risked permanent banishment from
the city. Well, one day, little Dulcy found an opening in the cavern.
She couldn’t resist the outside world. She snuck outside. She came upon two
SWATbots about to attack a hedgehog and squirrel, and she used her flame breath
to melt the SWATs into metal sludge. She became friends with Sonic and Sally.
She continued to sneak out of the city to join the FF’s on their missions.
Little Dulcy was found out eventually, of course, and banished from the city.
To make matters worse, her black nose ring was taken out, and replaced by a
magical gold one..which inhibited her ability to breathe fire. The FF’s didn’t
notice, as Dulcy still aided greatly with her brute strength and flying.
Sometimes little Dulcy would even paint the gold ring black, so she wouldn’t
feel the shame anymore, and also to account for any nasty instances in the
comic where her ring was colored black. Clever girl.
End the reminiscing…
Dulcy now decides that she’s sick of this, and she wants to go to Vesuvio and
ask for a pardon. She arrives at the ancient city, but as she’s pushing the
secret door open…she gets hit by a laser beam! (or something)
A bunch of metallic dragons land by Dulcy’s battered body and the leader
cackles evilly. He’s a big meanie, and has a TV in his chest with Eggman’s face
in it. YUCK! He’s been watching Dulcy secretly for a looong long time, just
waiting for her to return to the ancient city. Now he wants to attack the
‘energy-rich site’!
To be continued…
NP: If Vesuvio was a dragon myth, said to be located in the largest volcano on
the planet, why didn’t this stupidass just go there himself?
NP #2: Honestly, I can’t tell if the dragon himself is talking, or if Eggman
is. It looks like the dragon…but why is Eggman’s stupid face even in the
picture? And if it is Eggman, how could he be monitoring Dulcy for a ‘long
time?’ He hasn’t even been around for a long time!
If it isn’t…well…I really don’t know what motive a roboticized dragon could
possibly have to attack the place.
NP #3: Wasn’t everyone on the planet unroboticized? (Except Jules) What’s up
with the metal dragons, then?
Ok..well…
Honestly, I didn’t mind this story. It was a decent back-story to Dulcy. It
adds a little more depth to her character. Though it does seem to clash with
SatAM. (Yeah, Yeah, I know the comic isn’t SatAM, blah blah)
In SatAM…she breathed both fire AND ice. Does the ring stop her ice ability
too?
Also in SatAM…it was implied that only SOME dragons had powers. Robotnik said
in reference to Dulcy: ‘she has the powers.’ He wanted her power. It made me
think that only certain dragons have the gift of fire and ice breath. Yet in
this story, all the dragons had fire breath.
And as I said before, I want to know the metal dragon’s motives.
Alrighty then…that’s the end of this issue. I thought the first story was
UGH…not just because of the distaste I have for a Sally/EBIL Antoine
wedding…but for other things. Sonic smooching all over Fiona, for one. Sally’s
weak-willed shit lately. I know she loves and respects her father, but Sally
isn’t the type…or at least -wasn’t- the type…to just give in to something she
thought was wrong. Sonic’s ass being kicked by Ant...please!! Oh…and King Max.
He’s such an ass! *sobs* All the Archie kiddies will never know how cool King
Acorn was in SatAM. All they know is this controlling angry jerk! ><
K…me done.