“Sir, what exactly am I supposed to do?”

“How the devil should I know, Snively, it’s your day off.”

“But who’s going to run the city in my place?”

“Not to worry, I have your replacement right here.” He takes Cluck off his shoulder and perches him on my computer console. The stupid mechanical bird takes pecks at some buttons. “Now… go disappear somewhere whilst I prepare dinner. Some guests are arriving soon.”

“Guests?!”

“Aren’t you self-aware, you insipient little whelp? It’s Christmas.”

“That Godforsaken time again? No wonder you’re acting like a housewife.”

“I strongly suggest you leave before I beat you within one micron of your life.” The noise from the party-converted command center reaches his ears. “Ooo, I love this song.”

“God…”

“Lighten up, nephew. I’m just a love machine, and I won’t for nobody but-”

“For the sake of everything decent on this planet, do not finish that lyric.”

“Aw, you amuse me so much sometimes. Now get the fuck out of my sight.”

I’ve gotten used to consecutive twelve hour shifts, ever since we first built Robotropolis, but once a year Robotnik gives me a day off. I try to talk him out of it because I hate it. All that free time, just… passing. I’d much rather be working.

Walking helps. I patrol and ins and outs of Robotropolis, on the lookout for system malfunctions and those blasted trespassing Freedom Fighters. It’s my second favorite time waster.

I get started for yet another night of aimless wandering, coming out of the top floor of the control spire. After I reach the bottom, it’s no longer difficult. I pass through the city with ease.

My mind drifts, and I don’t snap out of it until I trip.

“Oof! Of all the- oh shit… Not again.” I’ve walked so far that I’m in the Great Forest. Or as I like to call it, the Not-So-Great Forest. Ha. Ha, ha. I start to get up when I notice it. “What…?”

It felt like I had tripped over a tree branch. Nothing so… curved or red or shiny or attached to nine reindeer.

In spite of being utterly dumbfounded, I stand to my feet and dust off my uniform. I hear a voice and snap to a state of cat-like readiness.

“Knothole, Knothole… useless map… totally lost… ho-ho-ho…” A large rotund individual, about Robotnik’s bulk, comes into view, wearing a ridiculous red outfit and refolding an infinitely large map. He finally notices me. “Oh! Hello, little boy. Could you assist me? I’ve lost my way and OH GODDDDD-!”

I’m quick enough on the draw to stun him with my blaster. The reindeer stare at me with a dull, ignorant look in their eyes as I pull out my communicator.

“Snively to SWATbot Commander in green sector. I have captured a… Santa. Requesting a prisoner transport.”

“EN ROUTE.”

I holster the communicator and use the white rope securing his cargo to tie him to a nearby tree. And then I take off, running back to Robotropolis, excited.

I’m out of breath when I reach the control spire and my diaphragm atrophies after I take two hundred flights at a constant run. I burst through the doors, panting, and I’m met with startled stares from a party of eyes, most startled of all belonging to Robotnik.

“S-Snively! W-What a… pleasant surprise.”

“Sorry for interrupting, sir, but-” For a moment I forget why I’m there as several waves of recognition wash over me. “Do I know you all from somewhere?”

One of the guests pulls out a pair of earphones. “You kidnapped all of us at some point. You know, tied us up with rope, threw us in a cell and forgot about us for months?”

“Riiiiight. Zacharus, is it? I see you have your precious technology with you this time.”

“No shit, you two are living in the goddamn stone age.” He puts his headphones back in as the guests chuckle. Robotnik laughs a bit too loudly, obviously uncomfortable with my presence.

“So Robotnik decided to kidnap all of the fanfiction authors from the alternate universe to stage a sort of mass cult suicide, eh? Is the punch spiked with poison?”

The guests eye their drinks, suddenly wary. “No… we were invited.”

“Odd. Robotnik always tells me that fanfiction writers are scum and will never make anything of their pathetic lives because they can’t focus on anything outside of characters that someone else has made up.”

A low rumble starts at Robotnik’s side of the room. “Snnnnnively…”

“Oh, hush.” One of the authors says, all smiles. She puts an arm around my shoulders. “We love our Snively, don’t we, guys?” The other guests nod in pathetic agreement. She lifts a small cup to my mouth. “Here, have some coffee.”

I knock it out of her hand and wiggle free of her arm. “Keep that vile shit away from me, crazy woman! I’m privy to your game. You think you’re so fucking wily but you’re just sick… And you tell that Fleury friend of yours to stay away from my balls!”

Robotnik suddenly moves to my side faster than I’ve ever seen him move before. “Can I talk to you in the foyer?”

“The huh?”

He drags me into the next room, slamming the twin doors shut. “Why? Why are you doing this to me?”

“What’d you expect out of this party, specifically? A Taffy pull?”

“A what?”

“Sir, every year, this holiday infects you like a mind-dissolving virus and I can’t for the life of me understand the outcome. All due respect.”

“Snively…” He’s shaking with rage. “While I am impressed with your ability to shame me with your existence, I tire of it!” The neighboring room goes completely quiet. “This year, the greatest gift you can give me is if you don’t show up here until tomorrow.”

“But sir-”

“I don’t caaaaaare. Really. Just take care of it. In fact…” He yanks a tiny remote out of my coat pocket, mashing the button down. I hear the sound of Cluck falling apart and screaming.

He shoves the remote back into my hands and blows back through the twin doors.

“How come I was never tied up?”

“There’s a very good reason for that, Tristan.”

The rest is drowned out as I think. He’s right, of course. I can take care of this myself.

That Santa man was trying to find Knothole. If I can read his map…

There’s no time to waste. I run down a flight of stairs and hop into a HoverUnit.

When I land in the woods, the SWATbot unit is about finished loading the prisoner into the transport.

“Good work. Let me check the prisoner for a moment.” They back away, still holding his arms, and I rifle through Santa’s coat. His eyes uncross and focus on me as I find the map. It unfolds and ends up being about as large as a HoverUnit, but I find the wretched village.

“W-what are you-”

I nod to the SWATbots. “Take him to the city. Prep him for Robotosization.”

“YES SIR.” They try to shove him into the prisoner transport.

“What?! You can’t Robotosize Christmas!”

“Ohhh, I think I can do a pretty fair job of it.”

“That’s not-”

“SWATbot, silence the prisoner!”

“YES SIR.” One of them raises his arm and fires a plasma round into Santa’s skull.

“Uh… I meant gag him or something. But whatever. Alert two squadrons to this location.”

“NEGATIVE SIR.”

“… Come again?”

“WE CANNOT EXECUTE. WE ARE THE ONLY ROBOTROPOLIS SQUAD WORKING TONIGHT.”

“… Did Robotnik give all the other SWATbots the day off again?”

“AFFIRMATIVE.”

So typical. And he thinks I screw everything up. “I suppose I’m going to Knothole by myself, then.”

“SIR,” the SWAT commander says, alarmed. “YOU’RE GOING ALONE?”

“Why the hell does it matter to the likes of you?”

“IT IS MY DUTY TO REMIND SIR OF HOW SIR IS TREATED BY THE CITIZENS OF KNOTHOLE IN EVERY STORY WRITTEN BY ALTERNATE DIMENSION’S ALLISON FLEURY.”

How could I forget. Every time, the hate, the pain, the heartache, the severe blunt trauma to my genitals…

One of the other SWATbots touches the sleigh, appearing confused. “WHAT DO YOU THINK IT RUNS ON? FLUBBER?”

I suddenly find myself wanting lots and lots of aspirin for Christmas. “Yeah, flubber. It runs on flubber. Santa’s sleigh runs on flubber. That makes perfect sense.” I massage the bridge of my nose. “I think I need to delete the joke.exe program.”

“FUCK OFF, WHITEY.”

“Wow. Just… wow. SWATbots pretending to be black. What a fresh twist on an old idea. Stop it. You’re killing me.”

“L-Look in the bag… in the s-seat of the sleigh…”

Santa is alive again, and I’m surprised enough to listen, climbing into the driver’s seat. There’s a tiny red bag on the floorboards. Inside, there’s a costume similar to his, fitted to my exact size. Merry Christmas the attached tag says.

Santa smiles that toothy, magical smile that makes my stomach churn. “Wear it. Follow your heart. Go to Knothole.”

I’m slipping into the costume and feeling an odd tingling sensation just as the lead reindeer takes off, so fast that I’m thrown into the rear. Trees pass by in a blur. I lose track of how many times we turn.

And abruptly, some time later, the sleigh stops.

I’m dizzy, but I made it. The rebels’ village. Enemy headquarters. I’m so excited that I’m giggling.

However…

Some strange part of me has me doubting my business here. I’m looking around all the huts housing their people, silent in their sleep, the air so cold and yet so inviting, and I’m forgetting all of the trouble they have caused us, and all I want to do is understand them, even…

“… Goddammit!” I finally find the rebels’ village and my conscience hits me. How dreadfully heartwarming.

It had to have been that Santa son of a bitch. He tricked me somehow. I’ll Robotosize him soon. Until then, there’s nothing I can do but play along, a slave to my own heart. I pull the last full gift bag out of the sleigh and drag it down the dirt path to the first hut.

My first instinct is to climb on the roof and come down through the chimney (seriously), but I manage to resist and enter through the front door. I tiptoe across the creaking floorboards, dragging the bag carefully in between wooden furniture. I reach a table covered in burning candles, and I search for the milk and cookies, trying not think about where they would get the milk from.

“Sannnta, darlin, that you?”

I freeze. Oh God, why isn’t she asleep?!

She comes into the living room, the sultry half robotic rabbit, wearing a nightgown. She smiles at me and I melt. “Well mah stars, you’ve lost weight! And you shaved!”

“Ho-ho… ho?”

“Although, ah must say, ah loved the beard.” She takes two steps towards me.

“Uh, merry Christmas little girl, uh… I, Santa, am here to… that is, I have your present…”

“Oh, you won’t find nothin in there. I was very naughty this year.”

“Gulp. I, uh…” Her body has my eyes for prisoners and I’m probing the bag but I can’t seem to get a firm hold on anything. “Uh, about these candles. Santa thinks that they’re a bit of a fire hazard-”

“Oh I’ll show you a fire, shuga.”

“Nyaa!” I book it, barely remembering to drag the bag out behind me.

A safe distance from her hut, I stop running to catch my breath. “What was that all about? Really! Inappropriate!”

I enter the village square. There are several choices of huts in front of me, and the previous incident has me concerned about what I could find in all of them.

But I can’t leave without getting this done.

I choose one near the fountain in the central square. Again, I enter through the front door, and again, the occupant is awake.

Sally Acorn looks at me, her eyes glowing with moisture. “Oh. Hello, Santa.”

“Er… what is wrong, my child?”

“Siiiiighhhhhhh. Nothing.”

This is going to be a long night, isn’t it?

“It’s Sonic. I didn’t know what to get him this year, and now it’s too late to get him anything. Siggggghhhh.”

“… Uh-huh. Well, maybe I have something in here for you- Ah! Here you go.”

She takes the gift from me, giving it a couple of squeezes. “It feels like a chilidog. That’s all he wanted this year?”

“Be thankful that men aren’t complicated. You ever try to buy clothes for a woman? A headache!”

Sally eyes me suspiciously.

“And ho-ho-ho.”

I get out of there fast and move into the next hut, not bothering to enter it quietly. “Doesn’t anyone sleep around here? That’s the time when Santa usually comes, you know.”

Sonic doesn’t even turn to look at me. “Siiiiiiighhhhhh.”

“Let me guess-”

“I screwed up, Santa. I put off getting Sally a gift, and now-”

“Whatever, here. It’s a new carrying case for NICOLE. Now you don’t have to figure out a nonchalant way to ask Sally what her size is.”

“Way past! Why didn’t I think of that? Thanks-”

“Ho-ho-ho.”

I go back to the square, out of breath. This is tiring! How come that fat bastard isn’t in shape? I know he only works once a year, but shit.

A familiar glow catches my eye, coming from just beyond the edge of the village. The ring pool!

Maybe Santa can take a break for a few minutes…

I drag the bag with me, and it’s a good thing that I do. That French royal guard I once tortured with bad cooking is there, looking forlorn.

“WAHH! Oh, is you, Satan. It is just that I am being a bit preoccupied, you see.”

“Is it Bunnie? It’s Bunnie, isn’t it?”

“WAHH! I mean, no?”

“Are you freaked out by how much of a sex fiend she is? I would be.”

“Zees is uncanny! I did not know Satan had zee super powers.”

“Let me demonstrate my super gift-giving power.” I reach into the bag and pull out… “A… can of oil! Hmmm. I’m sorry, I think I’m supposed to give this to Rotor-”

“No, no, zat is perfect! She will love it!” He yanks it from me. “Now she will be able to show me what zis ‘applied robotics’ is.”

“… Satan is gonna go now.”

I don’t even glance at the power ring pool, and it hurts me to the core, but there’s no escape from this disgusting… gift-giving.

I choose the next hut. It that fox brat’s, Tails, and of course, he’s wide awake.

“Ho-ho-ho, little blah-blah-blah.”

“Hey, Santa,” he says, sounding unoriginally sad.

“Girl trouble, is it? Do you even know any girls that you don’t call ‘auntie’?”

“It isn’t that, Santa.”

“… Oh. Then what?”

“I don’t think you’ll be able to get me what I want this year.”

“Well, little boy, Santa doesn’t grant gifts to selfish little snot-nosed brats, and Santa also doesn’t appreciate your implied impotence of his super powers, so why don’t you tell Santa what it is he can get you so he can go home and make more mechanical dolls, hmm?” I’m reaching into my bag when he begins, his eyes melting into tears.

“I want world peace, Santa. I want everyone to stop fighting with one another. I want everyone to be able to look at each other without hating what they see. I want a world where there is nothing but love, and the love never gets boring. I want everyone to stop being so confused, and hurtful. I want a world without pain. I want a beautiful place for us all.”

“Uh… I have a choo-choo. Would you like a choo-choo?”

He begrudgingly takes it.

This planet is filled to the brim with creatures just begging to be annihilated. I’m glad I’m here to oblige.

The next house thing is a mechanic’s laboratory, belonging to the walrus. I enter, maneuvering the bag around a large wooden engine. “Ho-ho-ho and shit.”

Walrus-boy finishes and turns in his chair to face me. “Hey, S-…. Snively?”

My blood runs cold in my chest and I forget entirely what to do to deal with this sticky situation, losing the ability to improvise, and my first instinct is to reach for my pistol and draw, but all I grab is a handful of belt. One pull and my pants fall down to my knees.

For a long time we just stand there, staring at each other.

“… You know, Rotor, this isn’t what it looks like…”

“Really?” He says, his voice dry, his eyes still on my fallen pants. “It looks like Santa tricked you into doing his job.”

“Then it is what it looks like.”

“Well, don’t worry; he tricks me all the time. He does two houses and then pulls this whole guilt trip on me and I finish for him. It’s a nuisance but the perks are amazing.”

“… Bunnie?”

“No. The gifts. He gives me every spare part I need to fight… well, you.” He blinks. “Pretty odd that we meet like this, isn’t it?”

“You, uh, aren’t going to do anything to my balls, are you?”

“What a strange question. No.”

I finally pull my pants up. “I can leave the bag here?”

“Sure, I’ll finish up. See you after the holidays.”

“Count on it.”

I’m back at the sleigh a minute later, having a difficult time leaving the village, but I think the power is wearing off. My contempt is returning. If I hurry, I can get back to the city in time to totally crush them under a shitload of metal things. My grin widens as I reenter the sleigh…

And it takes off again, throwing me into the back and burying me under empty gift bags. We head up, higher and higher, so fast that I can’t free myself.

Seconds later, the sleigh crashes into the top of the control spire, coming to a halt and throwing me clear, smack dab in the middle of Robotnik’s party.

“Oof!”

“You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby- Snively! What a pleasant surprise!”

I stand to my feet, spitting out red cloth and broken glass. “Sir, I can explain.”

“No need. That pleasant red gentleman has filled me in. I had you figured all wrong, dear boy. Oh! I almost forgot…” He pulls his hands out from behind his back, holding out a giant gift to me. “Merry Christmas.”

I manage to swallow the urge to vomit and take the present from him. It feels light. I open it. Inside is a small note.

“Let us toast. To the holidays!”

The fanfiction authors slowly lift their glasses and pathetically cheer, “To the holidays!”

On the note, it says: Dear Snively, you may now have two days off every year. Love, Robotnik.

Several shades of homicidal urges flicker through me like gunfire, but I manage to ignore them and smile. After all, that’s what the holidays are all about.