Disclaimer: Sonic the Hedgehog and company, as well as their are owned
by Sega as well as DiC and Archie comics. Were I to ever claim them as
my own not only would I have a big, fat, lawsuit to deal with but also
a large number of video game nuts with pitchforks and torches and
a small group of screaming, rabid fangirls with blunted sporks.

Chapter III.


"Life is pain. Anybody that says different is selling something."
-Fezzik's mother, 'The Princess Bride'

He blinked. "How's that again?"

The woman had regained her lost air of godly serenity and control.
She spoke rather slowly, as though trying to explain calculus to an
eight year old. "You are dead. There is not even enough of you left to
fit into a matchbox." She paused, apparently waiting for confirmation
that he understood this.

He nodded. He had rather suspected this already.

"This, as I said, is purgatory. Limbo. Neither one place nor another.
I am here to ...rescue? No I don't think that's quite the word I want.
Well, I am here, to offer you a way back into the mortal realm. A
chance for you to li-"

"No." he said in a flat, final tone, cutting her off abruptly.

She blinked, confused. "Er, what?"

He shook his head. "If I'm supposed to be filled with joy at thought
my own glorious resurrection you're sorely mistaken." He pursed his lips
contentiously.

Geheivia furrowed her brow. "But w-"

"Why? I'll tell you why. Because my life, as you must know if you at
all divine, my life was... not pleasant," he said, the thought putting
a foul taste in his mouth. "I had, as they say, a traumatic childhood,
and for the past twelve or so years I have been forced into the
position of underappreciated lackey, second fiddle to my dear, despised
Uncle. A position I assure you was far below my actual status of
participation in those matters such as surveillance, security,
technological advancement, reconnaissance and planning. In short, the man
continually took credit for those things which I did well, and for such
things as I failed at?" He raised both eyebrows in an expression of
indignation and superiority. "Be assured I was corrected, MOST severely.
I have no desire to return to such conditions."

She started to say something but he cut her off again.

"Furthermore," he pointed a finger irritably at her," you said, and I
quote 'But in return there is something you must do for me.' End quote.
I have no wish to be bound for any amount of time doing the will and
whim of some deitific being. I have had quite enough of servitude,
thank you very much. It is my experience that the bulk of mortal
existence is one hurt, indignation and disappointment after another. So
no, if you don't mind I'll stay right here where pain doesn't hurt and
nothing surprising, horrifying, or otherwise mentally tormentative
happens." He lifted his chin with the air of someone who has made up
their mind and can in no way be swayed.

Geheivia sat there for a moment, saying nothing. He wondered if she
had in fact known all that.

"These things I did indeed know," she said finally, nodding once in
confirmation.

Ah, well, there answered that question. Unless of course she was
lying. Could gods lie? Could figments?

"Well I think we understand each other don't we?" he grinned rather
nastily. "Goodbye then."

"Wait a moment," the god insisted. "Give me a chance."

The dead man rolled his eyes. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to let her
say her piece, after all, it wouldn't change his mind. And hadn't he
decided that he ought to be nicer to imaginary friends and/or gods?

He sighed. "Alright. But don't expect me to be impressed."

The woman frowned slightly. "The task I have for you is of the utmost
importance. The fate of your entire world hangs on the necessity that
these things get done."

He snorted. "And I care why? Excuse me for saying so but if you want
a hero I think you're looking for someone a bit more blue and fuzzy."

Geheivia gave a strange sort of smile, an expression that he couldn't
quite read. Amused almost? But not quite.

"When did I say I was looking for a hero? I simply have a few things
that I need you to do for me and then you will be free to go." She
continued to smile.

"Oh yes?" he sneered, incredulous. "And just what do these, THINGS,
as you say, entail?"

"I will instruct you as necessary. You will not be required to return
to your Uncle's service."

The blue eyed man frowned. "And in return for doing these things I
get my living body back, yes? Is that my only incentive?"

She looked at him. "You want more of one? Do you see yourself as you
are now? Comply with my wishes and this will be the body I restore you
to, that of you eighteen year old self, this time unmarred, instead of
the form which you recently left."

He thought about this. It was starting to seem like a decent trade.
However suspicions, as ever, stayed in the front of his mind. There
had to be more of a catch to this.

"This, service, I'm going to do for you. Its going to be nerve
racking and life threatening and potentially very painful and traumatic.
isn't it?"

She hesitated. "...Potentially. At times, yes. But-"

"Then no. No way no how. I'm terribly sorry Miss Geheivia, but I've
made it a life goal, albeit not a very successful one, not to ever
knowingly and intentionally put myself in a position of either mental or
physical endangerment and I see no reason not to continue such a
sensible intention into the afterlife." He crossed his arms. He would
not be bullied into something like this again. He was dead, what could
be done to him now? So the woman might be a god, that was if he wasn't
just mad as a march hare and having hallucinations, somehow he got the
feeling that even if she was a deity there was nothing she could do to
him in his afterlife except take him out of it. And it seemed that she
needed his consent to do that.

The brown haired maybe-god frowned. "Coward."

He laughed harshly. "Oh please, you think I haven't heard that so
many times that it still affects me? I am what I am, and if worrying
about my personal safety offends some sense of honor and courage you
have, I am NOT sorry, because putting yourself on the line for someone
else is in my opinion simply a very stupid thing to do. Especially
if its for a faceless teeming mass of people who you have no particular
attachment to. Why on Mobius did you come to offer ME this task anyway?
I'm obviously not the right sort of person for whatever job you've
got on your divine mind, am I? Tell me, what sort of person do you
think I am?"

He wanted to hear her opinion of him, he really did. He was awfully
curious.

She hesitated a moment. "You are an arrogant, over bearing, devious,
conniving, self absorbed, whining, sarcastic, all around shady character
with no morals or scruples to speak of, a superiority complex AND low
self esteem. You are surly, snobbish, smug, pessimistic, cynical, cold,
and a generally all around unpleasant person."

He smirked, and clapped. "How very astute of you, A+."

"You tend to think highly of your own wit." She paused. "However you
are also an underappreciated, misunderstood, down trodden, and lonely
individual."

A grimace of disgust twisted his features. "Wherever did you dredge
up that rubbish? Underappreciated and downtrodden certainly, but the
others? Don't make me chortle."

She heaved a frustrated sigh. "Tell you what. If you agree to do
these tasks for me I will make you a compromise. You're worried about
pain yes? How's this, if you are hurt you won't be able to feel any
pain over a certain level. Is that fair?"

He frowned and furrowed his brow. "How high a level?"

"A reasonable one. Let's say, the moment it makes you need to call
out."

Now that wasn't fair. The deal was actually starting to sound...fair.
Damn. He uncrossed his arms, regarded his manicured nails. He sighed.
"I suppose you're just going to keep on nagging me until I agree."

He supposed it was better than going mad of solitude and cabin fever.
Better than talking to imaginary gods. If it was all possible why not
try it? After all, the worst that could happen was he could suffer
another horrible gruesome death. He shrugged.

"So I guess I'll just agree now so I can be rid of you godliness
all the faster."

She smiled. "Very well then. Let it be known that Colin Kintobar,
also known as Snively, has accepted these tasks on the terms
previously stated."

She clapped her hands once

And everything went black.

To be continued...

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