Disclaimer- I swear, if I have to say this one more time...

A/N- This is based on one of my favorite eps. of The Simpsons... but the ending is just messed up. Enjoy! Goes bouncing down the road on a pogo-stick, in search of more sugar Hmmm, ha-ha; I’ll get the both of you, heh-mmmbbluuu-ha-ha...

It was a Monday morning, and Snively was sitting at the console down in the Control Room, admiring his great collection of stamps. (Fortunately, Robotnik happened to have dozed off in his chair, so he couldn’t see that his nephew wasn’t keeping his eyes glued to the monitors for any Freedom Fighter attacks.)

Snively loved to collect stamps, as it was his favorite hobby, besides coin-collecting. (What a nerd, hey?) He had collected over one hundred stamps from all over Mobius, some of them quite rare and valuable indeed, all which he kept safe in his scrapbook. (He kept his coin collection in another scrap book.) He greatly cherished all his stamps, but his all-time favorite was none other than the rare and special Venus de Milo- which happened to be the most rare, valuable, and oldest stamp known in history! Only a single sheet of these stamps had ever been found, and Snively just happened to possess the very last remaining one of it’s kind on Mobius! (The rest were rumored to have been lost, years ago. Nobody quite knows what happened to them, even to this very day...) The Venus de Milo happened to be worth 1000,000- this one in particular was probably worth even more, because it was also the very last one of it’s kind in history, thus increasing it’s value. But Snively could never bear to sell it! He treasured that stamp dearly, more than all his other stamps put together!

He had taken out his precious Venus de Milo stamp that day, and was holding it up and admiring it, when all of a sudden a SWATBot came in to inform Robotnik that they had captured a Freedom Fighter.

“Sir!” Snively called over to his uncle. “Sorry to disturb your slumbering, your Roundness, but the SWATBots have apparently captured a Freedom Fighter just recently.”

At this, Robotnik awoke with a start. “Is that so?” he grinned wickedly, pressing his fingertips together. “Tell me, what lucky- or should I say, unlucky- forest brat will receive the honor of basking in my presence before I robotocize them, Snively?”

Snively turned to the SWATBot. “Bring forth the prisoner!” he ordered.

The ‘Bot left, and returned- leading none other than the handcuffed Princess herself!

Needless to say, Robotnik was thrilled. “Ah, Princess,” he cooed in his creepy metal voice. “So nice of you to grace us with your royal presence this fine morning, my dear...”

“You’ll never get away with this, Robotnik!” Sally snapped, struggling against her shackles. “We both know that Sonic will show up to rescue me!”

Robotnik chuckled- not a pleasant sound. It sent shivers down even Snively’s spine. “And that is exactly what I am counting on, dear girl... however, by the time that miserable blue rodent comes for you, I’m afraid it will be too late- for both of you, that is!”

Sally sighed. “So you’re planning on using me as bait to capture Sonic. Oh, that’s real original, Robotnik!” she said, her voice dripping in sarcasm. “What a shame; and I had my heart set on telling you where Knothole is too!”

“Sir,” Snively pointed out, “don’t you wish me to interrogate the Princess before we roboticize her?”

“Oh, indeed, Snively. You have read my mind. And just for saying so, I shall let you have the privilege of personally interrogating our royal guest!” Robotnik said.

“But, sir!” Snively whinned. “With all due respect, you know how tough she is to break; she’s never even appeared the least bit threatened by your Ovalness, so what makes you think she’ll possibly take me seriously? I’ll never get any information out of her!”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll find a way, Snively,” Robotnik said, rubbing his orange mustache. He added in a warning tone, “That is, if you don’t wish to spend the next month in a body cast...”

Snively gulped. Clearing his throat, he quickly turned to Sally and put his hands on his hips. “Come along, Princess!” he said in his sternest voice, trying his best to sound intimidating. “Perhaps you’ll tell me what I wish to know once you’re sitting in an electric chair!” He then proceeded to let out the most pathetic excuse for a maniacal laugh she had ever heard- though it wasn’t surprising, coming from the likes of him- and ended up breaking into his usual coughing fit. (Man, that’s little guy’s got weak lungs!) He led Sally down to the room where they interrogated all their prisoners.

From inside the Interrogation Room, deafening cries of torment could be heard... only they weren’t Sally’s cries. They were- you guessed it- Snively’s!

Snively was tied to a chair, while Sally ripped up his precious stamp collection, one by one. “NO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THOSE STAMPS ARE IRREPLACEABLE, YOU FOOL! OH, THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT! EVEN THE BIG, ROUND GUY’S NEVER BEEN SO HEARTLESS!!” he wailed.

“So are you willing to call off the SWATBots, and let me go?” Sally asked.

“N-n-n-never!!”

“Very well then, Snively. You brought this upon yourself.” For she was now on the verge of tearing his precious Venus de Milo stamp in two...

Snively screamed at the top of his lungs. “NOOOOOOOO!! Not that one, I beg of you! She is the love of my life, my only reason to live!” He moaned loudly. “All right then, okay, you win! SWATBots, leave the Princess alone! I release her! Repeat, hold your fire and go not give chase; let her exit the grounds in peace!”

“Well, that was easy,” Sally smiled. “Now, give me a ride to the city limits!”

Sally sat next to a very reluctant Snively in the hovercraft, as he drove her from Robotropolis. “M-m-may I please have my stamp back now?” he whined, on the verge of tears. “You don’t know what it means to me...”

“Well, uh, I actually can’t seem to find it,” Sally shrugged, like it was no big deal. “Sorry; I guess I must’ve accidentally dropped it back there, or something. I don’t know what happened to it.”

This was too much for Snively. “WHAT?!” In his little freak-out fit, he almost crashed into a lamp post, but Sally grabbed the wheel just in time. The little dumbass had forgot to set it on Autopilot when he left. “Watch what the hell you’re doing, Snively! You’re nearly killed us both!” she yelled.

Sally saw that Snively- who was a weeping, bawling, shaking mess- was in no condition to drive the hovercraft, so she had to drive it herself. Once she reached her destination at the city limits- where she always met Sonic and the others, before they returned to Knothole after their mission was complete- she parked the hovercraft and was just about to get out, when Snively suddenly gasped in surprise and joy upon noticing his beloved stamp... stuck to her ass! She must have been sitting on it the whole time! “Precious Venus...” he drooled, before she could get out of the hovercraft. He reached up, and peeled it off her butt.

Upon feeling Snively touch her ass, she gasped and turned around... only to see Snively stretched out on the seat, hand reached for her, hungrily glancing up at her like a salivating psychopath (though this was mostly from her POV). Screaming, she slapped him across the face and fled from the hovercraft.

Snively rubbed his sore face, and shrugged. “Hmph, women and their PMS...” he muttered. He happily kissed his stamp and stuck it where Sally had slapped him. “There, there, precious, you’re safe now, old girl. Daddy’s here now. Did the nasty, bitchy Princess hurt you? I just hope she didn’t break wind on your beautiful face. Well, nobody’s ever going to take you away from me again... we were destined to be together, my love.” Sighing in relief, he drove back for the Death Egg, little caring that Uncle was going to open a can of Whoop-Ass on him when he returned.

The next day, when a very sore Snively went out for his morning shift of inspecting the factories, he was greeted by a most shocking sight... dozens of Freedom Fighters, led by the Princess, were all standing outside the main doors, howling for his blood. It was like a friggin’ revolution- they were all bearing torches, pitchforks, and protest signs which stated that he was a pig and a pervert.

“There’s the creep who sexually harassed me!” Sally shouted. “He grabbed me in the hovercraft!”

“WHAT?! No, you don’t understand!” Snively cried, looking horrified. “I was merely grabbing my Venus de Milo stamp, which I saw was actually stuck to your bottom the entire time, and-”

“Ah don’t think so! That’s the oldest excuse in the book, sugah!” Bunnie snapped.

“Who do you even think you are, touching the Princess, Shrimpboat?” Sonic yelled. “Man, I oughta Spin-dash you back to the Stone Age for that, ya sicko!”

“What eez giving you zee right to be touching of my fair preenzess on her mule- er, forgeeve my crudeness, I meant to say rather her “bum-bum”!” Antoine screamed, pulling out his sword.

“Nobody touches my girl like that, and gets away with it!” Sonic shouted.

“Male chauvinist pig! How dare you treat women like that? Have you no respect for the opposite sex? What are we gals, just mere objects of pleasure to you men?” Dulcy roared.

“He’s an Overlander, mates! Ya can’t trust them male Overlander blokes! They’re always pulling shit like that!” bellowed the Aussie voice of Geoffrey St. John above the crowd. He took a step towards the confused, terrified little man. “When I get through with you for trying to rape our beloved princess, you’ll hafta take a bath in tomato juice for an entire year! You should be downright ashamed! Ain’t ya got no morals, mate? Of course not; you’re a filthy Overlander!”

“Listen to me, please!” Snively begged the roaring rabble. “It was simply an honest mistake! I may work for Robotnik, but I’m still a decent fellow!” At that moment, a sudden gust of wind came along, blowing up his robe for everyone to see his ‘little lackey’ underneath! (Snively had been so tired that morning, he had forgotten to get dressed; it wasn’t until now that he realized he was still in his bath robe!) The crowd booed loudly, and pelted him with garbage and rotten vegetables. Screaming for security, he ran back inside, still feeling the breeze on his naked ass.

“Okay... everything’s going to be just fine!” Snively laughed nervously, after he had reluctantly explained to Scratch, Grounder, Coconuts, and Crabmeat what had happened, later in the day. “Now, I’m just going to go my room and pack my bags, for I shall start a new life... under the sea!”

He suddenly got a dreamy look on his face, as his surroundings (from his imaginative POV) morphed into his own little underwater fantasy. The dumb-bots, Scratch, Grounder, Coconuts, and Crabmeat, all made “Under the Sea” music, playing clams and other such ocean items/creatures as instruments. (Come on people, you’ve seen that scene in The Simpsons and The Little Mermaid, you know what I’m talking about!) “Under the seeea,” Snively sang, as he happily floated around in his underwater hallucination, like he was on crack, “under the seeea! There’ll be no accusations... just friendly crustaceans, under the seeeeea!” He rode on dolphin’s backs, swam with pretty mermaids, and was having a gay old time... until the dumb-bots brought him back to hellish reality again. “Snively, that’s your solution to everything- to move under the sea! It’s not going to happen!” the robotic monkey said, rolling his eyes.

Snively quickly hid the bag of pot behind his back. “Well, not with that attitude!” he pouted. He moaned. “Oh, I don’t have a friend in the world! I need a hug!” he said, holding out his arms.

There was a pause, as the badniks all looked nervous at this.

“Uh, well...”

“I, uh...”

“Um, uh...”

“Er...”

“Uhhh... run!” Grounder finally yelped. The ‘bots took off, leaving poor Sniv’ standing there all alone.

“How can you judge this man without even talking to the ones who know him best, you vultures?” Snively heard Scratch saying to the angry crowd outside. He peeked out from his hiding spot in the SWATBot factory, and saw the rooster, mole, monkey, and crab all talking to the lynch mob. “M-m-my dear friends are coming through for me after all...” he said tearfully, clasping his hands to his chest. “It’s times like this I’m glad I never scrapped their metal hides,” he sniffled, feeling a sense of hope enter him. “It’s so nice to have true friends...”

“We got the real dirt on Snively Kintobor- and the bidding starts right here!” Scratch yelled to the eager, bloodthirsty mob.

Snively sighed. “I stand corrected. It looks like I really am alone now...” He whipped out his Venus de Milo stamp and glared at it. “This is all your fault!” he yelled, but then his face softened. “Oh, how can I stay mad with you, sweetheart?”

He then took out his bag of crack, and hugged both that and his stamp to him. “Who needs friends, when I’ve got you two? You’ll always be my only friends... and you’ll never betray me, will you?”

Snively took a big snort of the weed, then suddenly became surrounded by his underwater fantasy once again. Venus de Milo, now as a sexy mermaid from Sniv’s POV, took his hand and they swam off together into the deep briny, accompanied by their dophin friends, into the blinding light of the treasure-filled caverns ahead. “It’s lovely, bobbing along... bobbing along, on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea...” Snively sang from Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Then the setting changed to the jungles of Africa, and him and Timon and Pumbaa were walking across a never-ending log together, singing “Hakuna-Matata” together, without a care in the world. They marched off into the sunset, to look for bugs to eat. That night, they lay out on the grass with full stomachs, watching the stars come out, and debating over whether they were really fireflies stuck up in that “big bluish-black thing”, balls of gas burning billions of miles away, or a bunch of royal dead guys that were watching them.

And so Snively lived happily ever after, always surrounded by new wonderful friends, peaceful environments, and grand new adventures... at least until his supply of acid ran out.

THE END!

Are you frightened? Pauses Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.

This has been a Shychick Production!