Disclaimer- Sarcastically Yeah, I really own SatAM... Pauses I wish! And I wasn’t the one who invented this retarded holiday, thank God.

It was that gay, happy-ass time of year when perfect strangers became twitter-painted upon mere glance, like a couple of cheesy, love-sick fools. The time of year when that meddling little fucker, Cupid, flew about, shooting anyone and everyone with his dumb arrows, because he just can’t leave well enough alone and thinks that the world just needs a little love, or some stupid shit like that. The time of year when- ah, hell, you already guessed it... Valentine’s Day. The most pointless day of the year... just another excuse for those fat exec. cats to get rich off all the store-bound suckers.

Anyway, it was also Valentine’s Day on the planet, Mobius. And Dr. Robotnik’s nephew/lackey, Snively, just happened to be contemplating what a dumb-ass holiday this was, during his morning patrol of Robotropolis.

“Look at all these poor, love-starved fools, allowing themselves to be shot by Cupid’s meddling arrow,” he snorted. “Well, I say that Valentine’s Day is only for merry little do-gooders! Come to think of it, love itself is a perfect waste of time! Love is mere fool’s-play... what’s love ever done for anyone, anyway? Bah... who needs it? Cupid’s arrow will never hit this man, or my name isn’t Snively Kintobor!” And so he proudly continued on his way, long nose in the air.

At that moment, who should come hovering overhead our hero- errr, villian- but that nearly-naked, arrow-bearing little brat, Cupid. “Sounds like somebody needs a little love in their life,” the little fucker giggled impishly. He grabbed an arrow from that arrow-holster thing he always wears, and readied his bow...

“Nice try, boy, but it will take a miracle to penetrate this cold heart,” Snively yawned. “I’m afraid your pathetic arrows have no effect on me; unlike most of your other victims, I am not so easily succumbed.” He frowned impatiently. “Now, shoo! And kindly do all of our eyes a favor, and cover up, for the love of God! Nobody wants to see a naked little archer flying about!”

“Did I hear someone ask for a miracle?!” Cupid suddenly roared in Eddie Murphey’s voice (if you’ve seen Disney’s Mulan, you’ll understand), as he then became surrounded in hellish smoke and fire. He aimed his bow-and-arrow directly at Snively. “Arrow of True Love, bring this mook to his knees- let him fall in love with the next girl he sees!” The arrow flew swift and true, hitting the little man straight in his ass.

“OW! Ohhh, you little meddling fucker, you’re going to pay for that!” Snively yelled, yanking the arrow out of his butt. He broke it in two, then whipped out his laser pistol and began shooting at Cupid. “TAKE THIS, DEMON-CHILD!” he screamed. But Cupid just giggled, and vanished from sight.

“Shit... oh well, at least I can be sure that arrow had no effect on me...” he began, but then he suddenly noticed Princess Sally and Sonic making out by a near-by lamppost. He suddenly felt a strange feeling come over him, as the poisonous effects of the deadly arrow began to take it’s toll, very giddy and merry indeed. Upon seeing the Princess, he began to bounce around, twirl like a ballerina, and do a number of back-flips and cartwheels. “WOOO-WEEEE!!” he screamed happily, as his eyes became two giant hearts bulging from their sockets. His heart started to thump madly in his chest.

He raced over to Sally’s side, suddenly bearing heart-shaped balloons, boxes of candy, and giant teddy bears. “My sweet Princess, I beg of you to accept these offerings which are the very best a lowly mortal like myself has to offer... they are but tokens of my affection for you, my dear,” he said in a love-stoned voice, with a love-sick look on his face. He placed the offerings at her feet, then began bowing down to her. “I am not worthy, I am not worthy...”

“Yo, piss off, Shrimpley!” Sonic snapped, watching Snively kiss Sally’s hand. “Man, what kinda dope have you been taking this time?”

Suddenly, Snively snapped his fingers and was now wearing one of those Barbershop Quartet outfits, complete with hat and cane. Music started playing from out of nowhere. “Do ya looove me?” he sang along to the music, dancing, “do ya looove me... noooow that IIIII can daaance... watch me now! I’m working out, baby... do the Twist! (Do the Twist!) Mash Potato... (Mash Potato!) Do ya like it like this? Tell me... tell me... tell meee...”

Sally whipped out a bottle of perfume, and sprayed Snively in his love-sick eyes. “OWWW-WOWWW! WHAT A WOMAN!” he screamed, rubbing his stinging eyes. Cupid came along and conked him on the head with a mallet. Snively, wearing a doped-up grin, stuck a cigar in the brat’s mouth and he flew away, puffing happily. Then he turned back to Sally. “Oh, baby, where have you been all my life? Kiss me, you fool!”

Sonic Spin-Dashed Snively away, sending him flying. Then he went back to making out with Sally.

Snively landed in a city Dumpster. He emerged from the trash heap of discarded robot parts, rubbing his sore head. “What the fuck? Okay, what on Mobius just happened?” Then he suddenly remembered. “Ohhh, that meddling little irritant is going to pay for this!” he screamed.

That day, he put up Wanted posters of Cupid all over the city. He also informed all the SWATBots of this naked winged menace on the loose, telling them to set their lasers to ‘Kill’, and he programmed them so that they said, “CUPID-ALERT, PRIORITY-ONE; CAPTURE-BY-ORDER-OF-SNIVELY-THE- GREAT.”

A few hours later, while Snively was in the middle of patrolling the city streets, he suddenly felt a sharp prick in his ass. “WHAT THE-” He looked up to see none other than the spawn of Satan himself, hovering above him. “YOU! SECURITY!” he screamed, frantically shooting at the naked archer with his laser pistol.

“Well, I see my work here is done! See you next Valentine’s Day!” Cupid giggled. He gave Snively the Finger, and vanished from sight in a puff of smoke.

Snively tried to lunge after him, but tripped and fell face-down into a puddle of water. But all of a sudden, he felt that same love-sick feeling come over him again... as he lovingly stared into the blue eyes of his own reflection in the water! Popping little hearts floated up from his head, and he gave a happy sigh. “I love myself... I love myself not... I love myself...” he began, plucking petals off a flower, as the song, ‘Who Wrote the Book of Love?’ started to play from out of nowhere...

THE END!

That was stupid, I know. But I’m out to prove a point- that meddling little freak, Cupid, should be burried six feet under for his crimes, and whoever wrote the book of love should be horsewhipped. In short... VALENTINE’S DAY SUCKS!

I’m off to bed now. Goodnight, and may you never find true love... unless, of course, you believe in that stuff- that’s your own business, after all. Me, I’m just happy being single! (WHOO-HOO!)

This has been a Shychick Production!