Cooking with Snively and Antoine

By Shychick

Disclaimer- I don’t own nothin’. I think that pretty much goes without saying...

A/N- I was inspired for this fanfic from the famous scene in the SatAM episode, “Spyhog”, more specifically, the famous scene where Snively was torturing Antoine by cooking the Crepe Suzzettes and the Escargot all wrong. It’s my favorite scene, especially the “MAR-GAR-INE!!!!” bit. LOL!

ON WIT DA SHOW!

 

 

(Shychick comes running out on stage. She is greeted by loud cheers and applause from the studio audience.)

Shychick: Hi, everybody! Welcome to the show! I’m your host, Shychick the Great!

Snively: (From backstage) Hey, Shychick, quit stealing my material!

Shychick: Uh, Snively, I thought you referred to yourself as Snively the Great.

Snively: Oh, you know very well what I mean! Get on with the show, blast you!

Shychick: (To audience) Uh, yeah... anywho, I’m glad you’re all here because today’s show is sure to be a real treat for you! Today we have two very special guests from Sonic the Hedgehog SatAM, Snively and Antoine! And today they’re going to show us how to prepare Crepe Suzzettes and Escargot, two very famous French dishes! Mmm-mm! So without further ado, let’s give it up for Snively and Antoine! (Exits stage, clapping)

(Loud cheers and applause from the audience. The stage curtain opens up to reveal a counter with a kitchen-type of set. Behind the counter and stove is none other than Snively, wearing an apron and a chef’s hat. Over on the side, beside the counter, Antoine is strapped down to a chair, sweating like crazy.)

Snively: Hello, everybody! I am (strikes Johnny Bravo pose) Snively the Great! And this (gestures towards the terrified coyote) is my cooking assistant, Antoine. Today we shall prepare two scrumptious dishes that will surely tantalize your taste-buds and cause your saliva glands to go into overtime!

Antoine: NOOO!!! I have seen what you do to zee Crepe Suzzettes and zee Escargot, you murderous fiend! You will rueen zem, I just know it! You are a complete discrace to true chefs everywhere!

Snively: Silence! You are interrupting my big moment! (Pushes button on counter, which automatically causes Antoine to get electrocuted in his seat for a second) Now where was I? Oh, yes! I believe first we shall cook the Crepe Suzzettes. How does that sound to YOU, Antoine? (Grins evilly) Hmmm?

Antoine: No, please! You will rueen zem! I know what you are planning, you fiend! (ZZZZAAAPP!) OK, YES, VERY GOOD, WE COOK ZEE CREPE SUZZETTES!!!

Snively: (Removes finger from button on counter) Well, it’s not like you have much of a say in the matter, now do you? (Laughs maniacally) But not to worry, my friend, I assure you I will prepare them just right! No tricks, whatsoever. (Crosses fingers behind back, than turns to audience) All right, let me just consult my trust cookbook here... (Whips out a book entitled “Cooking for Dummies”) Bah! This blasted recipe is far too lengthy and complex for my liking! I, for one, prefer short, simple recipes to follow, myself. (Turns to Antoine with an evil grin) Much more convenient, wouldn’t you agree?

Antoine: No, you fuel, you do not understand! Zee Crepe Suzzettes MUST be prepared just right! Zey require much time, otherwise you will ruin zem! To cook zem eez an ART! YOU CANNOT BE RUSHING ART! (Gets zapped again)

Snively: Ah, well, that was all very amusing. Now than, let’s begin, shall we? (Looks around) Mmm, now what’s handy and fast? (Evil grin, as he spots a box of pancake mix) Hello... (Grabs box)

Antoine: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ZAT IS PANCAKE BATTER! CREPE SUZZETTES ARE NOTHING LIKE PANCAKES!!!

Snively: Now, now, Antoine, don’t take on so. People these days want fast, easy recipes, you know, as people these days are extremely busy. And that’s why it’s very resourceful to substitute certain ingredients for ones that can be easily confused with the original items... well, ingredients that are close enough, anyway... (Laughs maniacally) Honestly, don’t you ever watch Martha Stewart?

Antoine: Zat Martha Steworm knows nothing about zee art of cooking! Just like you do not! You do not appreciate zee delicate art of cooking, you- (ZZZAP!)

Snively: Alas, you drove me to it, my dialect-challenged friend. Now than, let’s get cooking!

(15 minutes later...)

Antoine: YOU FIEND! WHAT KIND OF MONSTROSITY HAVE YOU CREATED?! ZOSE ARE NOT CREPE SUZZETTES! ZEY ARE PANCAKES!!!

Snively: Come now, old boy, what’s the difference? I mean, really...

Antoine: WHAT EEZ ZEE DIFFERENCE?! WHAT EEZ ZEE DIFFERENCE?!? (Turns to audience) Anyone who eez watching, please to be sending help down to Shychick Studios, tute suite! [A/N: I’m sorry, I know I spelled “right away” in French wrong, but I suck at spelling words from other languages.] Send zee police, fire trucks, ambulances, I am not caring what! Just SEND HELP BEFORE IT EEZ TOO LATE!

Snively: (Has heat on stove turned all the way up. Thick smoke rises from the frying pan) A little well-done, perhaps, but oh well. “Say-la-vie”, right, Antoine, old boy? (Laughs evily)

Antoine: A LITTLE WELL-DONE?! YOU ARE BURNING ZEM TO A CHISP!!! ZEE CREPE SUZZETTES MUST BE PREPARED JEEST RIGHT!!! AND YOUR FRENCH ACCENT IS TEAR-E-BLE!

Snively: Well, Antoine, aren’t you going to EAT the Crepe Suzzettes, after I worked so hard to cook them? (Grins evily)

Antoine: NEVER! NEVER SHALL ZAT FOOD BE TOUCHING MY LIPS! I WOULD RATHER DIE ZEN TASTE WHAT YOU HAVE CREATED! (Spits)

Snively: Oh, but you don’t know what you’re missing, old boy! You haven’t lived until you’ve tried my own special version of Crepe Suzzettes! (He signals a SWATBot to come and force Antoine’s mouth open, while he shoves huge bites of pancake into his mouth)

Antoine: (Gags and chokes)

Snively: Oh, what’s the matter, Antoine? Oh, I know! How could I possibly have forgotten the... MAPLE SYRUP? (Laughs evilly, as he pours syrup all over the “Crepe Suzzettes” and continues to shove them into his mouth) Is that better?

Antoine: (A sobbing nervous wreck) Oh, I have let zee befouled food touch my lips... I have sinned! What kind of tear-e-ble ting have I done?! Oh, no more! Please, I am begging you! NO MORE!

Snively: Fine than! We’ll make ESCARGOT!

Antoine: NOOO! NOT THAT! YOU WILL RUEEN ZEM, JUST LIKE BEFORE!

Snively: Au contraire. We start with a plump, juicy snail...

Antoine: (Whimpering) Oui, oui...

Snively: A cube of garlic...

Antoine: (Nods nervously, sweating like a pig)

Snively: And last, but not least...

Antoine: (Hopefully) B-b-butter?

Snively: Butter, you say? Hmm... (Looks around) You know, I seem to be all out of butter! How very odd... I could’ve sworn I had some around here somewhere. (Grins knowingly with sadistic pleasure) Well, no matter. I suppose I’ll just have to work with what I currently have than, won’t I? No problem... we’ll simply substitute the butter for... (Holds up a plate of evil yellow goo)... MAR-GAR-INE!!!! (Roars with maniacal laughter)

Antoine: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! NOT ZAT! ANYTING BUT ZAT! NO, NO, NO!

Snively: (Evily salivating at the mouth) Yes, yes, yes! And guess what? NOW YOU’VE GOT TO EAT THE ESCARGOT! (More evil laughter) We can’t let all that food go to waste, now can we?

(Snively advances with the plate of ruined escargot towards the screaming, crying Antoine. But just than, a cracking whip suddenly knocks the plate from Snively’s hands. Snively glances up to see, much to his shock and horror, a scary-looking old lady standing there, bearing a whip... who just happens to be his old Home Ec. teacher)

Old Lady: SO! BACK TO YOUR OLD TRICKS AGAIN, EH, JOHNNY?

Snively: MY SEVENTH-GRADE HOME ECONOMICS TEACHER, MS. PEABODY! AHHHHH!!!! (Leaps behind counter, cowering and quivering with fright)

Ms. Peabody: That’s right, Kintobor! You remember the kind of stunts you pulled in my class, don’t you? Always switching the proper ingredients with cheap imitations, just because you were too darn lazy! Never following the recipe, always doing it your way, always coming up with your own “creations”! Thought you were pretty darn clever, DIDN’T YOU, MR. KINTOBOR?

Snively: (Fast, high-pitched, squeaky voice) Yes, ma’am, I mean, no, ma’am, I mean- eep!

Ms. Peabody: AND I DON’T HAND OUT PASSING GRADES TO SLACKERS WHO TAKE TO COOKING HALF-ASSED! DO I, MR. KINTOBOR?! (Grabs him out from behind the counter by his ear)

Snively: Ow! You’re tearing my bloody ear off, devil woman! (Gets whipped) OW!

Ms. Peabody: Now tell everybody your little secret, Mr. Kintobor!

Snively: On national television? Are you mad, woman? (Sees her Look of Doom and whip raised in hand, and gulps. He falls to his knees and sobs) Okay, okay, I admit it! I flunked Home Economics! I got an ‘F’, all right? I am a good-for-nothing failure! I’m a lazy, low-life flunky! (Violin plays in background) I didn’t want people to think I was gay when they saw me slaving over a hot stove in ‘Spyhog’, and that’s why I acted all evil and tough, just so people wouldn’t get the wrong idea! But than they got the wrong idea about me, anyway- they always thought I was drunk or on drugs! WELL, I WASN’T, PEOPLE, OKAY? IT WAS ALL AN ACT TO MAKE ME LOOK GOOD! And just for the record, I did NOT say “Damn” in ‘No Brainer’ and ‘Blast to the Past, Part 2'! IT’S ALL A SCANDEL! I WAS FRAMED! LIES, LIES, ALL OF IT FILTHY LIES! (Breaks down into a serious nervous breakdown, crying and laughing at the same time. Meanwhile, Antoine is also in mad hysterics at the same time, a result of all the psychological damage Snively did to him.)

Shychick: (Enters onto stage and looks from one raving nutcase to the other, blinking. Blows whistle, signaling a team of staff from the local mental institution)

Mental-hospital staff: (Comes rushing out onto stage with a couple of straitjackets) HUTT-HUTT-HUTT-HUTT-HUTT-HUTT! (Grab Snively and Antoine, stuff them in straitjackets after a brief violent struggle, and run off-stage with them, with them still laughing like jackasses all the while) HUTT-HUTT-HUTT-HUTT-HUTT-HUTT! [A/N: This whole process only took about three seconds]

Shychick: Whoops, it looks like we’re all out of time for today! Well, that’s our show! Oh, and don’t worry about Snively and Antoine. They’ll be getting the serious help they need down at the Mobius Brain Farm. They’ll be having therapy sessions with Ms. Peabody herself, and should be released, fully sane, in about a decade or so. (Waves to audience) Well, I’m outta here, people! You’ve been a wonderful audience, and I’ll be here all next week! Be sure to tip your waitress! Oh, and don’t forget to visit Snively and Antoine at the mental hospital! (Blows audience a kiss) BYE! (Runs offstage, followed by cheering and applause)

This has been a Shychick the Great Production!

(Oh, and before you visit poor Snivvy and ‘Twan, please do the right thing and review this fic.“Spank-you” very much!)