Disclaimer- I own Jack Shit... nah, I don’t really own him- but I sure as heck don’t own anything to do with StH either. SEGA, DiC, and Archie Comics do. Let’s give ‘em a hand, folks! Applauds loudly And I don’t own The Flintstones or The Simpsons either- never mind, you’ll understand later.

One day, Robotnik was sitting on his fat ass (as usual), thinking about how friggin’ much he hates Sonic (as usual), when Snively excitedly came running up to his uncle’s throne. “My lord! I have fascinating news to report!” he cried, holding up a sheet of paper. “I have made a most interesting discovery! According to this data I obtained from the computer-”

The overweight tyrant roughly snatched up his little nephew by his green turtle-neck shirt, causing a startled shriek to burst forth from those cute lips I long to kiss- errrr... never mind, just joking. Sweatdrops “Snively! How many times do I have to tell you? Speak only when you’re spoken to, dammit!” Robotnik yelled.

“B-b-but, sir, this is a tremendous discovery which you could greatly benefit from!” Snively protested, shaking somewhat.

Robotnik dropped his kin to the floor. “Is that so?” he said in his creepy voice, sounding a tad more interested. “You didn’t, by any chance, manage to discover the location of Knothole, did you?” He then salivated at the very thought.

“Um... n-n-not exactly, sir...” Snively gulped. “H-however-”

Robotnik backhanded Snively, sending him sprawling to the ground with a shriek. “Well then, I don’t want to hear about it, you incompetent imbecile!” he yelled impatiently. “Now get out of my sight, you little worm, and stop wasting my time! Before I sic Cluck on you!”

“Goodness, don’t get your jumbo-sized panties in a bunch now, Uncle Asshole,” Snively muttered bitterly, rubbing his sore face.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!” Robotnik boomed in a voice of thunder, grabbing him again.

Snively gulped. “I said- I’m sorry I didn’t find Knothole, sir... but I assure you, this is still very exciting news! Please, if you’d only hear me out...”

“Fine! Anything to make you shut the hell up!” Robotnik snapped, throwing him to the floor. “But be quick about it! Now, speak!”

Oh goody, will I get a biscuit if I do? Snively thought bitterly, as he stood up and brushed himself off. “Er, well, sir, according to legend,” he began, “there is supposed to be a magical goose dwelling somewhere up in the Northern region of the Mobian Montains.”

“Did you say “magic”?” Robotnik leapt at him, very much interested by this point. For, magic more power... and if there was one thing that guy loved, it was power!

“Yes, sir. This goose, known as the Golden Goose, apparently is the very last of it’s nearly-extinct species on the planet- an extremely rare species of bird, born with the remarkable ability to lay eggs of solid gold, sir!”

There was a pause. “You say this Golden Goose is the very last of it’s kind?”

Snively nodded.

“And it apparently lives up in the Mobian Mountains?”

Snively nodded.

“Aaaand it also lays solid gold eggs?” Robotnik grinned, greedily salivating at the mouth, as he grabbed his nephew.

Snively nodded, answering with a nervous squeak.

Robotnik dropped him. “Well, what are you waiting for, you fool?” he screamed, booting him towards the doors. “Prepare my hovercraft immediately!”

“Why, sir? Where are we going?” Snively asked, blinking. He rubbed his tender behind.

Robotnik paused, giving the audience an exasperated look. “Well, you little simpleton- I don’t know about we... but I, for one, am going to the Mobian Mountains to search for and capture that goose!” he roared so loud, his tonsils were shaking. “You, on the other hand, are going to stay right here and guard the city. And if anything goes wrong while I am away, let me assure you that your goose will be cooked!” He stood up and walked toward the main doors of the control room, giving his saluting nephew a rough shove as he walked past. “I wish to depart for the mountains in ten minutes, Snively. Have my hover unit ready by then.”

“Very good, Dr. Robotnik, sir,” Snively replied, nodding. Behind his uncle’s back, he gave him the Finger.

“Rotton bag of shit,” Snively muttered, once Robotnik had gone. “I’ll bet he just wants all that gold for himself! Selfish bastard... he never lets me have anything.” He sighed. “Well, there’s still a tad of hope for a prosperous future for me...” Taking out his latest lottery scratch-ticket from his wallet, he took out a coin and began to scratch away. “Cherry... cherry... LEMON?!” Snively was so outraged, he ripped up the used, no-good ticket and angrily stuffed the pieces into his mouth, chewing and snarling. After swallowing, he went over to Robotnik’s throne and sat down. “Well, better make the most of, I suppose...” He comfortably settled back with a bottle of his best friend, Jack Daniels, and his other good buddy, his beloved bag of cocaine. “Hmmm... while I get so fucking drunk and stoned that I’ll fail to even remember my own name, I’ll download all 26 episodes of our show from the Internet. It’ll be so amusing to watch the Big Round Guy lose to the Hedgehog over and over again... and how Naugas transformed him into all those different animals in ‘The Void’, oh that was delightful! And I must say, I looked like such a sexy bitch at the very end of ‘The Doomsday Project’! Ah, memories...” He then sang the theme to All in the Family. “Those were the days...”

Refreshments/friends by his side, he sat back to view all 26 episodes on the monitors. “Ah, this is the life... who needs gold when I’ve got you guys,” he said to his “friends.” He took a big swig of JD, took a long snort of coke, then stared up at the ceiling with a doped-up grin on his face. He giddily spun around in Uncle’s chair, laughing and screaming like he was riding the Tilt-aWhirl at the carnival. He fell off the fat-ass’s chair, dizzy, drunk, and high. From the floor, he chortled away like Beavis and Butthead.

Hours later, Robotnik came back, happier than a pig in shit. In a cage, he proudly held his prize. “Good news, nephew!” he called.

Snively, Beavis, and Butthead (don’t ask- I guess he just invited those guys) were sitting around on the floor, getting stoned and hammered, and passing out porno mags of Sally and Bunnie. Loud rock music was blaring. “Uh... the video store had American Pie?” Snively asked, completely out of it.

“What on Mobius?! Who hell are these fools?! Get out of here, the both of you! OUT!” Robotnik screamed, summoning security.

SWATBots came and arrested the two dumbasses. “Aw, man, this sucks ass!” Beavis screeched.

“Dude, can we at least take those porn mags with us? That Rabbot chick was hot,” Butthead said to Robotnik.

The SWATS took them away. Robotnik then turned to face his nephew. “Well, Snively- GADZOOKS!” For, Snively was now spinning around up on the ceiling fan, shirt over head, chanting, “I am the Great Corholio! I go TP all the trees in Knothole! Do you threaten me?!”

“Oh, screw him. At least I have my Golden Goose... I could care less about him.” Dollar signs clicked in Robotnik’s red eyes, as he danced around happily, yelling “I’M RICH! I’M FILTHY, STINKINING RICH! Screw the Hedgehog... screw everything... now I can finally live out my life-long dream of owning my very own casino! VIVA LAS VEGATROPOLIS! YABBA-DABBA-DOUGH!!” The fat-ass burst through the walls of the control room, so happy that he shit his pants. “I am not only the most powerful person on Mobius, but now also the richest!” Roars of Dr. Evil-style laughter could be heard echoing off from all the walls, all throughout the Death Egg.

Conclusion-

In the weeks that followed, Robotnik opened up his own casino, which he christened “Robotnik’s Casino.” Sonic got a job as a Blackjack dealer there, and Sally eventually developed a major gambling problem. Her gambling problem got so bad that she failed to spend any time in Knothole, or on missions, because she speant all her time and money at the casino. She even forgot all about working on Tails’ costume for his school’s pageant, so Sonic had to make it himself. He did such a crappy job that Tails, along with one other kid in his class, got special awards because they “obviously had no help from their parents.” Tails also tried his luck at the slot machines in Robotnik’s Casino, but got kicked out because he was under age- so he opened up his own casino in his treehouse, inviting all his little friends to come, and also invited famous stars to perform, like Robert Goulet.

As for Robotnik, he lost a great amount of sleep since the casino opened (as well as all his sanity), became bed-ridden, and even grew a long, mangy beard and long, pointy nails. He soon cracked up, developed a paranoid obsession of germs everywhere around him, and even “invented a new plane” that he called the “Spruce Moose”, which was designed to “carry a thousnd passengers around Mobius in eight seconds.” (Snively tried to tell him it was only model, but he refused to listen.) Robotnik eventually became transferred to a mental hospital, where he met a fat white guy who believed himself to be Micheal Jackson, and Snively became the proud new owner of both Robotropolis and the casino, which he renamed “Snivotropolis” and “Snively’s Casino.” In time, he developed a serious alcohol/drug problem, became a male stripper in the casino, ironically lost all his money gambling, and eventually lost everything else. He soon joined a rehab. program, where he got the help he sorely needed for the next decade or so.

As for the Golden Goose, it fell in love with Cluck. They were married right in the casino by Elvis, and got fifty bucks worth of Vegas chips. Word has it that they flew down to Las Vegas together, and started a new life... bright lights, big city. Of course, since all the greedy tourists wanted a piece of the goose, he had no choice but to work in all the casinos- every week was a new job. All the tourists and people thought he was far better than a slot machine, because the odds were way better! But Cluck complained that his full-time job and popularity was affecting their relationship, so she filed for divorce.

The Freedom Fighters burned down the casino, Sally’s gambling problem ended, they all took back their beloved city and planet- now that Robotnik was finally gone- and everyone was happy! (Except, of course, for Robotnik, Snively, Cluck, and the Golden Goose...)

THE END!

Do have any idea how hyper I am right now? No... you don’t. I was laughing so hard, I could hardly type. I almost pissed myself... good thing I took a quick bathroom break!

Holds up a charity mug which reads “Give” Reviews for the poor?

This has been a Shychick Production!