Disclaimer: Okay, you know the drill. I don’t own any of the characters in this fic, okay? And that includes my main man, Snively. (Starts sobbing loudly) Archie Comics and DIC own him and everybody else. (Continues sobbing) IT’S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMNIT!!

Well, people, this is my second “Sonic the Hedgehog” fanfic… though it’s not really about Sonic, but whatever. You may have read my other story, “When Brittany Spears came to Mobius”. Well, there’s no bashing in this one, but there still is a great deal of sillyness and laughs! Once again, it’s focussed mainly on my favourite character, Snively… Well, I, for one, just happen to like Snively, okay? (Glares) DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!

… Good! Okay, well once again, sit back and enjoy! Please read AND review. All flames will be used to light my burger grill at work. So there!

Snively was slowly making his way down to the kitchen one morning. He was walking as slow as the Dead, not to mention the fact that he also felt pretty dead too. His eyes were bloodshot and the six tiny hairs on his head, which were usually perky, were wilted like dead flowers. You see, Snively was not a morning person. He hated mornings, almost as much as he hated his uncle and that wretched Hedgehog. They had a tendency to make him feel extremely drained, tired, and irritable. (Mornings, not his uncle and the Hedgehog, although they certainly could make him feel like that on a regular basis too.) Anyway, the half-asleep Snively continued to trudge down the hall, each step he took like he had blocks of cement strapped to his feet. He knew just what he needed to shake off this feeling: a good ‘ol cup of coffee. For, coffee was the one thing that helped him cope with the rest of his day. It was the secret to how he could put up with his lousy life, day in/day out, the key to his ignition. If he didn’t have his morning coffee… (shudder)… well, let’s just erase such a thought from our minds, shall we?

As Snively turned the corner, his mind half clouded with sleep, the other half clouded with thoughts of relaxing with a nice cup of coffee, his head suddenly made contact with the wall. Painful contact, I might add. “Ow,” he muttered, rubbing his sore head. “Oh, how I hate mornings! The only part of these wretched mornings I take any pleasure in whatsoever is having my coffee.” He entered the kitchen. ‘Yes,’ he thought happily, ‘it won’t be long now…’ He pulled open the cupboard door, and… much to his horror… DUN DUN DUNNN!! There was no coffee! But how could this be? He always made sure he stocked up on coffee! He never ran out!

Snively’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head. Panic filled him and he started to tremble like mad. “Okay,” he said to himself slowly, trying not to panic, “don’t fret, Snively… I’m sure there’s a can of coffee around here somewhere… I mean, I never run out of the stuff! It’s probably just way at the back somewhere…” He reached his hand way out to the back of the cupboard and felt around. No can of coffee.

“No, no, no,” Snively gasped, “this is not happening! This cannot be happening to me!” He ran from cupboard to cupboard. “Coffee… coffee… coffee… WHERE’S THE BLASTED COFFEE?!” he screamed. “This is bloody UNTHINKABLE!!”

Ten minutes later, Snively had turned the kitchen upside down in his mad search for his beloved morning beverage. Every cupboard and drawer had been totally emptied, and there was dishes and food strewn all over the place. When it finally dawned in on Snively that there was no coffee to be found, he collapsed to his knees and started sobbing his eyes out. “H-how could this have happened?” he sobbed. “W-whatever did I do to deserve this? The one and only spec of happiness in my life… the one thing I can always look forward to in the mornings… and now it’s gone! GONE! I can’t even have so much as a blasted cup of coffee now… why? WHYYY?!” he screamed. “It’s just not fair, damnit!!” He resumed his sobbing. “Oh, cruel Fate!” he screamed towards the heavens, “what kind of horrific trick has thou played upon me?!” He zoomed out of the kitchen and ran up and down the whole building, screaming like a maniac the entire time. Than he ran smack into Dr. Robotnik.

Robotnik glared down at his paranoid little nephew. “Snively! What on Mobius is all the commotion about?” he demanded, grabbing him by the shirt collar. “And why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

Normally, Snively would have started trembling in his uncle’s presence, but as you know by now, he is a completely different person without his coffee. Something inside him just snapped. He stared Robotnik straight in the face, narrowing his eyes. “YOU stole my coffee, didn’t you?!” he cried. “That’s why I can’t find any, you must have stolen it all!” A calm, almost eerie smile crossed Snively’s lips. “Yes,” he said slowly, “I see it all now… I know what’s going on here. It’s all part of your little plot! Well, you know what? I’m on to you! Yes, that’s right, you didn’t think I knew, did you? Well, I wasn’t born yesterday, Jullian! Don’t think you can pull the wool over my eyes and get away with it!” He pointed an accusing finger at his uncle. “I know how you snuck into the kitchen in the dead of the night and confiscated all my coffee! And I know why you did it too! You hate my guts, Jullian, I know you’ve always hated my guts- so you just thought you’d agitate me further by stealing what I treasure most in the world! Do you deny it, you bloated sack of lard, you usurper, you miscreant?!”

Well, let me tell you, Robotnik was feeling more than a little freaked out by his nephew’s insane ranting and accusations. Slowly, he started backing away from the little man, who had a crazed look in his eyes, knowing that crazy people can sense fear. “Uh, Snively,” he said carefully, “why don’t you run along and work on a plan for capturing the Hedgehog and those other Freedom Fighters for me now, hmmm? There’s a good lad…”

“The Hedgehog! Of course!” Snively cried suddenly. “HE must have stolen my beloved morning beverage! Him and those other wretched creatures! Well, this is the last straw, Hedgehog!” He narrowed his eyes. “This time, it’s personal.” Laughing maniacally, he smashed right through the wall and ran out into the city of Robotropilis, leaving behind a Snively-shaped hole in the wall.

Meanwhile, Sonic and the other Freedom Fighters had just finished defeating a whole army of SWATbots, and was taking a much-deserved break over at the local coffee shop.

“You know, guys, I don’t know why ‘ol Buttnik even bothers producing more SWATbots,” Sonic was saying. “I mean, he must know it’s a total waste of his time, seeing as how they’re never any match for this hedgehog!”

Sally just gave Sonic a teasing grin. “Why, Sonic the Hedgehog, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were getting quite cocky.”

Sonic chuckled. “Oh, come on, Sal. If there’s one thing I enjoy, aside from chilli dogs, it’s wallowing in my own success.”

“Man, that was so awesome, Sonic,” Tails said, “the way you destroyed all those SWATbots, all at once! That’s gotta be a record. I just wish we could see the look on Robotnik’s face when he finds out!”

Sonic laughed. “Yeah, you can say that again, man!”

All of a sudden, Snively burst through the door like a madman. “All right, Hedgehog!” he yelled, drawing out his laser pointer. “The jig is up! Hand over the goods and nobody gets hurt!”

Everybody just stared at Snively like he was on drugs or something. “Uh… say what?” Sonic said.

“Don’t play dumb with me, rodent!” Snively yelled. “I know you’re the one behind the sudden disappearance of all my coffee! Don’t bother to deny it! The evidence is right there in your mangy hands!”

Sonic, Sally, and Tails all exchanged looks. “Uh, Snively?” Sonic said raising his eyebrow, “maybe you oughta get your eyes checked. This is a coffee shop! You know, the place where you go to buy coffee? Why would I need to resort to stealing when money can be exchanged for goods and services?”

“Ha!” Snively scoffed. “Than answer me this, smart guy: yesterday morning at precisely 6:45 A.M., there was coffee in the cupboard. This morning, at exactly the same time, I found no sign of the coffee whatsoever! The cupboard was empty. How do you justify that, hmmm?”

“Oh, gee, I dunno, Sniv,” Sonic said rolling his eyes, “maybe you just ran out.”

“No! Never!” Snively snapped. “I refuse to accept such a ridiculous notion! I always stock up on an abundance of coffee so as not to run out! No,” he said, narrowing his eyes, “it’s clear to me that you are the culprit, rodent! You and your fellow Freedom Fighters! You’re all in it together, aren’t you?” He pointed an accusing finger at each one in turn. “Each and every one of you…. It’s one big conspiracy, isn’t it?!”

Tails just snickered. “I think Snively’s been working too hard,” he said.

“Don’t patronize me, kid!!” Snively screamed, really losing it now. “That’s it!! I… can’t… take… any… moreeee!!” he screamed, tearing his uniform in frustration. “If I can’t have any coffee, than no one can!!” He leaped over the counter and ran into the backroom, where he knew all the coffee was kept. There was shelves of coffee cans on all sides. Snively was so overjoyed at the mere sight of them, he burst into tears of joy. “An abundance of coffee!” he cried, clasping his hands together. “It’s… it’s beautiful… and it’s MINE!! ALL MINE!!” He threw his head back and laughed maniacally. AT LAST! NOW NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!”

Sonic stood in the doorway. “Yo, Needlenose, what is the deal here? Are you going mad with stress or what?”

“Hahahahaha!” Snively laughed, gleefully hugging the coffee cans to himself. “I am taking possession of all the coffee in this place! And you can’t stop me, Hedgehog! I have finally won the battle!”

Sonic backed away slowly. “Don’t make any sudden moves,” he whispered to Tails and Sally. “Crazy people can sense fear. Let’s just blow this coffee stand!”

“Maybe we ought to stick around to make sure he doesn’t do anything really crazy,” Sally whispered back. “But try to remain inconspicuous about it.”

So they all pretended to go on about their business, talking and drinking their coffee, paying no attention to Snively.

Meanwhile Snively was making and drinking cup after cup after cup of coffee. He was consuming all the coffee at an alarming rate, and it wasn’t long before it all started to quickly disappear. Snively had never drank so much coffee all at once before… but he liked it!!

“Whoa!” Sonic cried, as he stood in the doorway looking at all the empty coffee cans and cups laying around. “Did you drink all that coffee in that short amount of time?”

Snively responded with a hiccup. “I (hic!) must have (hic!) more (hic!) coffee!” he said.

“Jeeze, man, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Sonic said.

“I’ll (hic!) be the judge of (hic!) that, rodent!” he said. “Are you insinuating I can’t handle my caffeine?! Huh? Well, I don’t have time to argue with you now… I’ve got to get me some more coffee!!” He wobbled out back into the coffee shop, having some trouble keeping his balance, a result of all the caffeine he consumed. Just than, to his absolute horror, he noticed Geoffrey sitting at the counter sipping a cup of coffee. HIS coffee! “NOOOO!!” Snively took a running leap and slid down the counter top, over in the skunk’s direction. “HEY! Lay off the Java, man! That’s my private reserve!” Snively screamed in his face.

Geoffrey regarded Snively with a strange look. “Uh, are you okay, mate?” he asked. “Say… aren’t you that bloke who works for Robotnik?”

“I’m the Javameister!” Snively exclaimed, grabbing the cup of coffee away from Geoffrey. “And that’s all you need to know!” He gulped down the coffee, and glared at him. “I know what you want… you coveth my coffee!” He held the cup to him protectively, eyes watering. “I’ve had this cup of coffee since I was a child. People… always trying to take it from me… why won’t they leave me alooone?!” he screamed.

Geoffrey, Sonic, Tails, and Sally approached him… slowly. “Careful,” Sonic whispered to the others. “There’s no telling what a man full of too much caffeine is capable of.”

“No! Get away! It’s my coffee! Mine, I tell you, mine! Not one more step- I’m warnin’ ya!” Snively yelled. He jumped on top of the counter, and grabbed a handful of coffee beans. “That’s it! Now you shall feel the wrath of the Javameister!!” He popped the coffee beans into his mouth and started spitting them out at everyone like bullets. All the customers in the place screamed and got the hell out of there.

Snively continued firing coffee beans at the Freedom Fighters like some crazy human-machine-gun. Pretty soon the can of coffee beans was empty. “Blast! Out of ammo!” He grabbed a can of creamy Mocha and poured it all over himself. “COME NOW, OH SACRED MOCHA! MAKE ME, THE JAVAMEISTER, INNVINCIBLE!!” He broke out into high-pitched maniacal laughter. “I have just baptized myself in the name of the ancient gods of Java… I have been given great powers… dare you test the wrath of the Javameister further, foolish mortals?”

“Oh… my… God…” Sally said, backing away. “That’s it, I’m getting the hell out of here. Sonic, he’s all yours now.” Sally ran out of the coffee house, back to Knothole. “Wait up, Aunt Sally!” Tails called, flying after her as fast as he could go.

Sonic looked up at Snively, who was spinning around on the ceiling fan. “Wheeeeee!! I’m a bird… no, I’m a plane… no, I’m the JAVAMEISTER!!” With a final spin, he leaped off the fan, and onto the counter. He snapped his fingers, and was suddenly dressed in one of those Barbershop Quartet outfits, cane and all. “IIII want coffee!” he sang to the tune of ‘I want Candy’, dancing around on the countertop. “Sweet, sweet coffee!!”

“What the hell? Where’s that music coming from?” Sonic cried. “That’s it, this is too wired for me; I’m outta here! It’s juice and jam time!” Sonic sped out of there as fast as he could go.

“No thanks, I believe juice and jam clashes with coffee myself,” Snively called after him. Than he suddenly passed out on the floor.

“Hello, my name is Snively Kintobor, and… I’m a coffeeholic,” Snively said, nervously tugging on his shirt collar as he stood up in front of the other members at the Coffeeholics Anonymous rehab center.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Kintobor,” the man in charge was saying. He was holding a clipboard and a pencil in his hands. “You have nothing to be ashamed of… this is a most common condition, usually caused by a great deal of stress in one’s life. It tends to hit the person always right out of the blue, when they least suspect it. The first step to a successful recovery is admitting you have a problem, and you have already done that, Mr. Kintobor. Now, why don’t you sit down and share with us your problem… and remember, everything you say here is all confidential.”

“Well,” Snively began, “it all started yesterday morning when I went to make myself my usual cup of morning coffee, only to discover that, much to my horror, I had somehow ran out. Shocked and horrified beyond all reason, I sort of snapped and went on a mad search for more of the beverage I love so dearly. I ran down to the local coffee shop, utterly desperate to get some more coffee… and in my current state of desperation, I ended up consuming all the coffee in the entire place.”

The doctor was jotting this all down. “Yes, very interesting.. Please, continue…”

“Well, I had never downed so much coffee all at once before… and so as a result, my caffeine level was unbelievably high… I remember almost immediately after finishing all that coffee, I just lost it… I started talking and screaming a great deal of complete nonsense and behaving like a total psychopath… though I don’t really remember all that I said and did, it’s all kind of a blur to me… but I know I made a complete and utter fool of myself, to say the very least. The next thing I remember was waking up outside of the coffee shop. But I don’t even recall losing conscience! I don’t even know how I got outside! And when I came to,” he concluded, “I had the worst headache… it felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to my brains… and I felt hot and cold at the same time, and I was sweating and shivering like mad…”

“Sounds like your basic hangover,” the doctor replied, nodding. He finished taking notes and said, “Well, Mr. Kintobor, it sounds as if you are suffering from a great deal of stress in your life, which is why you resort to drinking coffee in the first place. You tend to rely on it as your only source of happiness, a sort of “escape” from all your pain and suffering. But fear not, sir; your condition is very common. And Coffeeholics Anonymous can help you get through this problem. You can be cured.”

So Snively started attending CA meetings on a regular basis. He also took the doctor’s advice and switched to drinking tea instead of coffee, herbal tea preferably, which was far more healthier. Time passed, and it wasn’t long before Snively learned to kick the coffee habit for good.

A few weeks later, one morning, Snively woke up and headed down to the kitchen to prepare his usual morning tea. He was feeling rather good this morning, and so he whistled as he made his way to the kitchen. Yes, sir, giving up coffee had changed Snively’s life for the better. He felt ever so much happier these days. He was a new man.

Humming to himself, Snively walked over to the cupboard and pulled open the door… only to discover… that…

It was empty!

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!

THE END??

Well, what did you guys think? Please bear in mind that I was extremely hyper when I wrote this, okay? I was really having fun with it, as you could probably tell during certain parts of the story. I hope you guys got a kick out of it though! Please review and tell me what you thought, and tell me whether or not I should make a sequel. Okey-dokey, go ahead and review!