Disclaimer- If anybody says I own Sonic the Hedgehog and any related characters, instead of SEGA, DiC Entertainment, and Archie Comics, they’re a filthy, stinkin’ liar. You got me?

A/N- I just saw Kangaroo Jack tonight, btw.

‘Twas a Monday afternoon in Robotropolis. Snively was searching the skies for a group of kangaroos, in one of Robotnik’s hovercrafts. Robotnik had previously found out that morning, due to his nephew’s research, that there was one last mob of kangeroos over in the Outback regions of Mobius that hadn’t been captured and roboticized, and he naturally wanted them all. These kangaroos were a threat to the mad dictator, because he suspected that they might be connected with the Downunda Freedom Fighters... and any FreedomFighter was a threat to Dr. Robotnik. So he made a very reluctant Snively leave the grounds to search for/capture them... he was reluctant because Snively had a pretty bad experience with a kangaroo once- it had stolen his jacket, which contained a computer disk in the pocket that held some very important, top-secret information, which he was supposed to deliver to Robotnik ASAP, and of course it wasn’t supposed to fall into the wrong hands. (The ‘roo had even broke out into a rap session, due to Snively’s crack-inspired hallucination... but that’s another story.)

Anywho, Snively had spotted the kangaroos’ feeding grounds, and landed the hovercraft down a good distance away, so he couldn’t be seen or heard. (He was so far away that they couldn’t even hear the hovercraft’s engine.) Snively quickly hurried out of the hovercraft, and hid behind a bush with a pair of high-powered binoculars, wearing one of those safari hats. “Well, well, there’s the pesky rascals’ feeding grounds... I’ll just set up a nice trap a good distance away, and wait for them to follow their nose over to their next- and last- meal. Yes, I belive the old pit-trap scheme should work... cliche, yet traditional. And once the filthy beggars fall right into the hole, which will be cleverly hidden with a layer of thick branches, leaves, grass, and fresh, juicy fruit, I’ll simply lower a large, strong net down from the hovercraft, and snatch them all out!” He rubbed his hands eagerly together, and grinned. “Snively, my boy, you’ve done it again...”

Snively ordered the SWATBots to quickly set up the trap. Then he ordered them to hide out of sight, and wait until further notice.

“Oh, this is my greatest plan yet- it’s so devilishly easy, it can’t fail! And once I capture all these pesky flea-bags, perhaps the Big Round Guy will finally give me that promotion I so richly deserve...” Snively was so busy daydreaming about a brighter future for himself, that he didn’t even notice a large shadow cast directly above him... until he slowly turned around to look.

“WHAT THE- it’s one of those rebellious ‘roos! SWATBots, quick! Use your Stun Rays!” Snively screamed, waving his arms all about in a panic.

The SWATs shot at the kangaroo left and right, but the dang thing was just too quick for them! It was hopping and bouncing almost as fast as Sonic could run! And before long, the kangaroo had used it’s mighty kicking and boxing abilities to make scarp metal out of the ‘Bots! Then it suddenly turned to Snively, who yelped in terror and hurried away towards the hovercraft. “Oh, Dr. Robotnik’s not going to like this at all! I’ve got to call for back-up!” But before the little man could scurry far, he was suddenly grabbed up by the kangaroo! “What the- unhand me at once, you overgrown dust mop! I’ll roboticize you and the bloody lot of your friends and family!” shrieked out a very nervous, sweating, shaking Snively.

The ‘roo only cocked it’s head skeptically down at Snively. It suddenly began to curiously sniff him all over, which made him feel rather uncomfortable. “Cease your senseless sniffing and searching, you rude ‘roo! I’ve got no food on me! Now release me!”

Suddenly, after some sniffing, there then appeared little popping animated hearts above her head, and she fondly nuzzled poor Snively with her wet nose, making loving little cooing sounds, while cuddling him in her strong arms. She gave Snively several wet kanga kisses, then stuffed her new baby into her pouch, and hopped away before he could say another word. “Um, I beg your pardon, madam, but...” poor Snively squeaked, feeling very much confused and scared. The kangaroo was bouncing down the Outback at a great speed... which would’ve been fun, except for Snively’s sensitive stomach. “Um, Ms. Roo, if you could either slow down a great deal, or let me out altogether- preferably just let me go- I’d be extremely grateful,” he gulped. But Mama Kangaroo would not slow down or stop- she just kept hopping away.

Oh, bloody great- first this blasted female kangaroo destroys all Robotnik’s SWATBots, and now it kidnaps me- or rather adopts me as her son- and is now heading off who-knows-where with me trapped in her belly! Oh, how am I ever going to explain this one to the Big Round guy?

“Sir, come in! Snively here! Do you read me?” the frantic voice of Robotnik’s nephew, via COM-link, was what awoke the mad doctor in his chair, down in the Control Room.

Robotnik impatiently grabbed the communication device next to him. “Snively! What’s going on? You’ve been gone for hours! Where are you? I trust you’ve made it out to the Outbacks, and have captured those kangaroos by now...?”

“N-n-not exactly, sir! You see, I did reach the Mobian Outbacks, but- but I’m afraid there’s been a slight set-back...”

“SET-BACK?!” Robotnik roared.

“Yousee,Isetupatrapforthekangaroos,andeverythingwasgoingexactlyaccordingtoplan,butthenthisfemale

kangaroosuddenlyappearedoutofnowhere,anddestroyedalltheSWATBots,andthensheabductedmeinher

pouch- and now she’s hopping away-ay-ay-ay!!” Snively wailed from inside Mama’s pouch into his communication device, as she hopped higher and faster at a galloping speed. He was feeling violently ill from the rough ride.

“Let me get this straight, Snively,” Robotnik said, after a pause. “You prepared a trap for the kangroos after you found them...”

“Yes, sir.”

“And everything was going according to plan...”

“Yes, sir.”

“Until this female kangaroo appeared out of nowhere...”

“Yes, sir.”

“And she ruined all my best SWATBots...”

“Yes, sir.”

“And then she abducted you, and is now hopping away with you inside her pouch?”

“Y-y-yes, s-s-sir-r-r-rr! She apparently has adopted me as her own joey!” (A/N- ‘Joey’ means ‘baby kangaroo’, in case you didn’t know.)

There was another pause, longer than the last. “Snively... this has to be the most absurd and ridiculous story I have ever heard, even more so than that one about that kangaroo who you hit with your hovercraft, came back to life, and hopped away, wearing your jacket with my disk inside the pocket! In fact, if I didn’t deem you as such an honest lackey, I’d swear you were lying your little light bulb- shaped head off! I can’t believe the constant messes you get into, you incompetent buffoon! I ask you to carry out one simple task for me, and you always screw them up! I’m tired of your incompetence, your confounded excuses, failure, and losing my goals all because of your blasted idiocy!! If you think I’m going to bail you out of this one, Snively, then I’m afraid you are sorely mistaken! As far I’m concerned, that kangaroo can keep you! Because from this day forward, I HAVE NO NEPHEW AND FOOL FOR A LACKEY!”

“But, sir...” Snively wept.

“I don’t want to hear it, Snively! Goodbye, and good riddance... little joey! HAHAHAHAHA!!” The COM-link went dead.

Snively burst into tears, and started to wail. Then he paused. “Oh well... it could be worse, I suppose. After all, I’ll never have to stand in the Big Round Guy’s bulking shadow again, and anything’s better than that! Yes, I could adjust to this...”

“Mama... I’m hungry,” Snively was whining, after they stopped down at a local water-hole to rest and drink. (Mama K. wouldn’t let him out of her pouch, for fear of anything happening to him.) Suddenly remembering her nipples, he ducked back inside the pouch, and began to drink away. “Oh well... when in the Outback...” Suck, suck “Mmmm... Mama’s milk... so warm and yummy...”

Mama K. removed her ‘joey’ from her pouch, leaned him against her shoulder, and burped him. Then she gently placed him inside her pouch for a nap. Sighing in content, he burried himself deep within the pouch, snuggled up against her belly, and went to sleep, feeling quite warm and safe. The milk made him sleepy.

Mama K. reached into her pouch, and fondly petted her young. Then she bounded away again.

“Yo, Mrs. K! What’s shakin’ today?” Sonic called out, as he came racing alongside of Mama Kangaroo. “I just decided to juice out to the Mobian Outbacks today, y’know, just crusing, exploring, lookin’ for trouble and adventure! So how’s by you, Mrs. ‘Roo?”

“Gidday, Sonic,” Mama K. replied, stopping for a friendly chat. “You know, the most interesting thing ‘appened to me this afternoon! I was just enjoying lunch with me girlfriends, down by our usual feeding grounds, and I suddenly catch the most curious scent. So I hops over to have a look-see, and I come across a poor, lost little joey! I reckon the poor thing must be lost, or perhaps it’s troop was captured by Robotnik! So I adopted the lonely young one as me own son, seening as it’s probably an orphan with nowhere to go, and nobody to take care of it. Why, I saved him from a whole swarm of that Robotnik bloke’s bloody robots, I did; poor child was under attack, probably terrified to death! Would ya care to have a gander, mate?” She reached into her pouch, and gently shook her snoozing offspring. “Time ta wake up now, Junior, luv. We’ve got company.”

Squeaking out a yawn, the little Overlander emerged from the pouch, stretching. “No, Mummsy, I don’t want to go to school, the other boys make fun of me...” he tiredly whined, rubbing his eyes. His jaw dropped open when he saw his blue nemesis standing there- looking equally shocked. “WHAT?! HEDGEHOG?!” He blushed a deep shade of red, and wanted to duck back down into Mama’s pouch.

“Hey, what’re you doing in there, Snittly?” Sonic cried. He turned to Mama K. “Uh, Mrs. K. ... I don’t how how to break this to you, lady, but... that there’s no baby kangaroo in your pouch! He’s an Overlander! And not just any Overlander either, but the nephew and assistant of the one responsible for capturing most of your friends and family, Dr. Robotnik!”

Snively was glaring daggers at Sonic from the pouch, but then he turned to look up at Mama with big, sad puppy-dog eyes. “Mama...why is that blue hedgehog telling mean lies about me? What is he talking about? I don’t like him! Make him go away!”

“Mrs. K, Snively’s the one who’s lying! I don’t know what his little game is, but I know he’s up to no good! It’s a trick! Don’t believe anything he says! I’ll bet Robuttnik’s behind this, somehow! It’s probably all part of his plan to capture you and the rest of your troop!”

Mama Kangaroo placed her hands on her hips. “Really now, Sonic- my eyes, nose, and ears ain’t that bad! I mean, my senses may not be quite but they used to, but I’m not so old and senile that I can’t tell a joey from an Overlander!”

Aha! No wonder she mistook me for a baby kangaroo! Snively thought to himself. It all makes sense now!

“Listen, Mrs. K., take it from the Hedgehog- that there is an Overlander!” Sonic insisted.

“Joey.

“Overlander!”

“Joey. Right, mate.”

“Over-lander!”

“Joe-y.”

“Lemmie spell it out for ya, lady: O-v-”

Mrs. K. blinked. “J-o-”

Sonic sighed, and glared at Snively. “All right, Snively, what’s going on? You better start talking! I somehow doubt you’re just tryin’ to score a free ride here!”

In response, Snively just blew a taunting raspberry at Sonic.

“Now, see here, mate! How dare you be tellin’ such terrible tales about my son! Bloomin’ Overlander, my foot! Nephew and partner of Robotnik’s, indeed!” Mama Kangaroo snapped, putting her paws on her hips. She placed a comforting paw on Snively’s bald head, who had been making several nasty faces and gestures at Sonic all this time, really rubbing it in. “Don’t you worry, luv. The hedgehog bloke didn’t mean nothin’ by it.”

Snively smiled up at Mama, letting her lick his face, then went back to sticking his tongue out at Sonic.

“Oh man, this is mondo uncool!” Sonic cried, looking disgusted. He glared back at Snively, then reached out and grabbed him. “All right, Shrimp-boat, you’re goin’ down- big time!”

“Mama! The nasty, mean hedgehog is hurting me!” Snively yelped, ducking back down into her pouch to cower. “He’s scaring me!”

Mama K. glared down at Sonic. “All right, bloke, nobody tries to harm me son, and gets away with it! How dare ya touch me innocent joey like that! Why, he’s only a baby! Bad enough ya speading filthy slanders about ‘im, but when ya mess with Junior- ya mess with me!” With that, she delivered a mighty kick to Sonic, sending him flying off into the far distance. He vanished from sight, yelling, “Oh man, now I know what it’d be like to get Bunnie mad!”

Mama Kangaroo smiled fondly down at her ‘son.’ “It’s all right now, luv, he’s gone. Mama made sure he won’t be bothering her little ‘roo no more.” She affectionately nuzzled his head, who slowly emerged out. She fondly licked his face.

Mama K. closely inspected Snively. “Hmmm... I think ya could use a good scrubbing... especially behind them ears.” She began to use her tongue to wash his face all over.

“But Mama... I don’t want a bath. I’m not dirty, honest! Oh, I hate baths!” ‘Junior’ fussed, pouting.

After a dinner of warm kangaroo milk, Snively curled up into Mama’s pouch to sleep for the night. It was late, and they had stopped by another local water-hole to rest until morning.

“Mama... I can’t sleep. I’m not sleepy. Tell me a bedtime story.”

So she told him the story of Goldilocks and the Three Boomers.

“I’m still not sleepy... I want a lullaby.”

So she sang him a soothing bedtime song.

“I’m thirsty... may I have a drink of milk?”

So after a quick sip of warm milk, Snively finally fell fast asleep, feeling more safe and happy than he’d ever felt in a long, long time . For the first time in several years, he actually felt loved and cared for. It was such a warm, wonderful feeling... why, she reminded him of his own mother when he was just a young little tyke. He sorely missed her for the longest time, ever since she died, and not a night went by that he didn’t think of her, even to this very day... but it was almost like having her back again, in the form of a kangaroo.

“Goodnight, Mama... I love you,” he murmered, half-asleep.

ONE YEAR LATER...

“But Mama, you can’t leave me! What will I ever do without you?” Snively cried, standing in front of Mrs. Kangaroo, sobbing. “Must you leave?”

“Darling, I’m afraid I must. You have reached the age where all joeys must separate from their mother, and start their own life. You must go out in search of a mate, and start your own family now. You’re not a child anymore, and so you must learn to survive on your own. You don’t need Mama anymore.”

“But I love you!” Snively sobbed.

“And I’ll always love you, Junior. Just remember, no matter how far apart we are, no matter how much time passs, you’ll always be in heart. I’ll never forget you, Junior.”

Snively sighed. “Mama... I love you too much to lie to you any longer... there’s something I need to tell you before we part... something I should’ve confessed much sooner, but I was always so afraid to tell you the hard truth.” He took a deep breath. “Sonic was right. Your senses are failing you. I’m not really a kangaroo... I really am an Overlander. And I’m afraid I am Dr. Robotnik’s nephew and former lackey... I helped him capture and roboticize most of Mobius’s population after he took over, including your family and friends. I was just far too ashamed to ever tell you...” He sniffled, looking up hopefully at her. “But... but you still love me... right, Mama?”

There was a long pause, as Mama Kangaroo slowly took this all in. She stared curiously down at him...

WAM! Next thing Snively knew, he was kicked right in the face, and was lying on the ground with hopping ‘roos all around his head.

“OVERLANDER SCUM!”

“SPAWN OF ROBOTNIK’S!”

“HOME-WRECKER!”

“HEART-BREAKER!”

“TAKE ADVANTAKE OF A POOR, OLD, HELPLESS WIDOW, WILL YA?”

“BLOODY FREELOADER BLOKE!”

Mama Kangaroo, accompanied by a furious mob of her lady friends, charged after poor Snively, who ran for his life. They hopped after him with torches, pitchforks, and boomerangs.

Snively gulped, ducking the boomerang that barely missed his head. “Ladies!” he cried frantically. “Ladies, if you please! I can explain! Kindly control your raging PMS and menopause! Honestly!” He moaned. “Oh, why didn’t I just stay with the Big Round Guy?”

As Snively ran for his life in the far-off distance, followed by the mob of bloodthirsty boomers, Eminem’s popular song started playing in the background:

I’m sorry, Mama!

I never meant to hurt you-ouuu!

I never meant to make you cry,

but tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet...

THE END!

Aussie accent Nice!

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