SATAM AND INSANITY

By Shychick

Disclaimer- I wish to heaven I owned SatAM, but I don't.

A/N- Stupidity alert. It's late, I'm bored, you get the idea...

'Gather 'round, children... if you're a Robian, then please GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE YOU HAVE A SEIZURE!!!' Snively was saying to the group of captured FFs down in the Roboticizer Room, who had just been roboticized. 'The lights here are probably too pathetic for your puny little hearts now that you've been roboticized, but there will still be free Skittles for all, just like I promised earlier... oh dear, I almost forgot- ROBOTS CAN'T EAT SKITTLES!!!' he roared with wicked pleasure, as he grabbed a whole pile of rainbow-tasting candy from the bowl on the table and began to cram handful after handful of the colorful goodness into his mouth. He was laughing so hard that several of the Skittles fell out of his already-stuffed-way-too-full mouth. 'Ah... taste da wainbow...' he slobbered and drooled.

In the back row, there were several groans of mumbles and complaint. Finally, one Robian stood up. 'We will not leave, we find that remark racist, we automations have just as much right to be here as you!' he said firmly.

'Now, now... we're not racist, I'm simply doing this for your own safety! And besides, we've already chucked out all those SU fans; they'd probably say our show was too rude if I said, 'KILL SONIA!' explained Snively, as he waved to security. 'Don't worry now, you can come and see the version with no bright lights and no Skittles... even though these lights ARE pretty dim... hmmm... TURN THE LIGHTS UP, BOYS!'

A big fat freak (who happened to be Fat Bastard) turned the lights up a notch and as soon as he did, the poor WorkerBots started having seizures and epileptic fits all over the place.

'Well, really now! That's unsuitable behaviour; security, chuck these rogues out!' Snively cried as he started chucking several books from his large, almost-empty bookshelf at the Robians. SWATBots came, gathered up the Robians, and chucked them into the sea.

'RIGHT! Finally, I can read my wonderful book!' Snively huffed as he sat down in his gay chair. He opened the old book, and the dust rose up and attacked him!

'HEEELLP, THE DUST IS KILLING ME!' the little man screamed as the dust continued to choke him. The thing was, the dust wasn't really attacking him, he just had to put off reading until he actually learned how to read! Fat Bastard came up and 'helped' by letting out a mammoth fart that sent all the dust (as well as poor Snively) flying away across the room. 'YOU'RE FIRED!' screamed Snively, who was now wearing a gas mask to protect him from FB's deadly fumes. Fat Bastard took that oppurtunity to soil himself, then he jumped off into the sea to 'pollute' the Mobian waters.

'Ah, well, at least Fat Bastard is gone. Now I can read to... you... yes... but first my mummy will- SING A SONG!' Snively looked around nervously to see if his mom actually was in the audience. Naturally, she wasn't, therefore leaving poor Snivvy in a very difficult situation. When he finally realized that he was all alone, he fell to his knees and started sobbing loudly. 'I just... *sniff!* wanted to earn my Red Badge of Evil for the Evil Scouts... *wah!* I can't even read to you... *sniffle*... Sam the Evil Pig... *wah*... I'll never get onto Wild West reading-books if I can't even read the preschool books!'

'You're still on kindergarten-level reading?' Sonic smirked as he suddenly came out of nowhere. His quills looked really deformed after his run-in with the tye-dying hippie hair-dresser. 'Yo, quit staring at my quills already! I know it's all the colors of the #@** rainbow, but it still ain't polite!' he snapped.

'Shut up, Hedgehog! Can't you see I'm in the middle of an emotional break-down at the moment?' Snively snapped. 'WHAAAA!!!! I WANNA REAAAD!!!' he wailed.

'If you really wanna read, then you'd sing a song like in those Disney films... ugh, not that I watch The Little Mermaid or anything, heh-heh,' Sonic said nervously.

'Right, a song! You don't have to have a brain to make a song; I mean, look at Bitchney Spears!' Snively said happily as he swung the microphone around, 'accidentally' wacking Cluck in the face. 'I wanna read... what the people reaaad... read some stories and get more clever... I wanna read what the Big Round Guy reaaaads...'

'I wouldn't go that far,' pointed out Sonic, who recalled Robotnik's infamous porno-mag scandal that had made all of last month's head-lines.

'I've spent all my life... trying to win my uncle's respect... I never went to school, I just sat at home all day, watching TV, and letting my brain rot away... but putting my brain up on the shelf, knowing how hard I tried to try, no use pretending my brain needs mending, books bring reality home!' he continued to sing in his horribly-nasel voice, causing Cluck to explode. 'There are some people I know who would think that I'm stupid for wanting to grow and learn, learn as much as I can possibly learn, why, why, WHY? WHY CAN'T I LEARN??!' He was soon backed up by Sally, Dulcy, and Bunnie: 'Ohhhh, you shouldn't have to read 'cause it ruins your life, you shouldn't have to read 'cause it causes trouble and strife! If you bought books ya don't wanna read, chuck 'em right in the trash and scream, 'I'm putting this shit right in the trash, knowing how hard I tried to try and read this junk... no use pretending this book has a good ending!'

'No use pretending this book has a good ending... just remember that I need to read...' Snively sang solo. Finishing his song, he jumped up and down happily. 'THANK YOU, FANS! Thank you! I made up a song! I did it!' he screamed, turning cartwheels and sommersaults all over the place. 'This calls for a reward!' So saying, he grabbed the dish of candy and dumped them all into his mouth, several of them spilling everywhere onto the floor. 'I AM DA CANDY-MAN!'

'Uh... yeah... sure, Snootly, whatever you say,' Sonic rolled his eyes as he watched his insane rival runnning circles all around the room with the now-empty bowl over his head, screaming, 'SNIVVY DA GWEAT WOOOOOOOOLSSSSS!!!!' at the top of his lungs, his voice muffled by the candy. Suddenly, he slipped on the Skittles that were all over the floor and started to choke to death.

Just then, Freaky-Evil-Tye-Dying Hippie Hair-dresser came in with a big bag of flour, margarine, tye-dye, and a small pot. 'Hello, lil' chitlins, Freaky Evil Hippie Hair-dresser here ta teach you a lesson in... baking! First of all, you grab your victim...' (She grabs Snively) 'Than you pour flour and margarine and tye-dye all over him, and THEN... ya stick your sandwich into the oven for a few hundred years!'

Snively started screaming madly as he realized this crazy women was going to eat him; suddenly, he noticed Sonic Spin-Dashing right towards Evil Hippie Lady and knocking her into the sea. 'That's for that time you tye-died me, ya freak!' he screamed after her, as she drifted away helplessly along with all the other unfortunate souls who had been chucked into the sea as well...

Just than, Dr. Robotnik stepped out from behind a the curtain, dressed in retro 60's clothing. 'Ow, my back... hauling around all this fat just isn't helping...' He paused. 'Well done, young hedehog and young Colin! You have shown that by working as a team, sharing each other's sorrows, that's the way to become a complete and utter loser!' He then turned to his nephew. 'Hey, like your tye-dyed clothes, Ocean Breeze, they're, like, far-out!' Robotnik said as he started break-dancing.

'Ocean Breeze? Who the hell is Ocean Breeze?!' Snively snapped.

'Why, you are, of course, my boy!' Robotnik exclaimed. 'You see, your parents were hippies back in the sixties! I was famous back then... Eggman, the Break-Dancing hippie from Mobotropolis. Ah, I remember the good old days,' he said wistfully.

Sonic snickered. 'That would explain a lot about ole Shrimpboat, the way he always acts and looks like he's stoned...'

'I AM NOT A POT-HEAD!' screamed Snively, charging towards Sonic with a large mallet.

Robotnik grabbed his little nephew and grabbed the mallet away from him. 'Hey now, that's animal cruelty, man! Remember your hippie heritage, 'lil Ocean Breeze...'

'I HATE YOU!!!' Snively screamed, jumping up and down like a disgruntled five-year-old.

'Don't hate, my child... love...' Robotnik said, sitting in a circle of flowers and candles, meditating. 'Come, my nephew, and I will help you on the path to gayness and enlightenment... Ohhhmmm...' he chanted.

Snively burst into tears as Robotnik then went into a Yoga session. 'You make me sick...' he whimpered. 'I'll never get into Evil Scouts now... now they'll never make me a member...'

Robotnik opened his eyes and said, 'Ohhh, Ocean Breeze, why don't you read the story for us now, and I'll give you your Red Egg of Peace if you read well enough. I've already signed you up for the Peace Scouts,' he added. 'The first step to earning your first egg is to read The Puppy Who Lost His Way. We're waiting, nephew...'

Suddenly, a monkey wearing a postman's uniform came up and handed Snively a note. Snively tipped the monkey, then asked him to read the letter out loud for him. 'Dear Mr. Kintobor, we regret to inform you that you have hereby been forever banned from the Evil Scouts because of your disgraceful background. You have been left off with a dishonorable discharge. Sincerely, the Headmaster of the Evil Scouts. P.S. You will also have to turn in your pocket-knife.'

After hearing this, Snively screamed in sheer anger. 'YOU!!!' he screamed, pointing at his uncle. 'AND YOU!' he yelled at Sonic. 'This is all your fault! Now I'll never live out my life-long dream of becoming a proud member of the Evil Scouts! There's just one more dream ripped away from me, are you both fucking happy now?!' He screamed out, 'I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BO-O-O-OTH!!!', just like he did in the SatAM episodes, 'Spyhog' and 'Cry of the Wolf'.

'Hush... the Egg of Peace is drifting further and further away from your reach, little one...' Robotnik warned him.

'KEEP YOUR FUCKING SMELLY OLD EGG, YOU TREE-HUMPING OLD HIPPIE!' Snively roared. 'I, SNIVELY THE GREAT, WILL NEVER BECOME A MEMBER OF SUCH A GAY, FUCKED-UP ORGANIZATION! NEVER! MMMMHAH-HAH!' He quickly packed his bags, dressed himself in his official Evil Scouts uniform, and proudly marched outside to where the Evil Scouts van was, for some reason, parked, singing the Evil Scouts Anthem. 'Hi-diddily-dee... a vilian's life for me!' he sang proudly. He jumped into the van. 'Kick Snively the Great out of the Evil Scouts, will they? Well, despite my wretched roots, I'll prove to them just how worthy I really am! I'll be the best pledge they ever had! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!' he screamed, doing his famous high-pitched hyena laugh.

'Actually.. this is really the Peace Scouts van. We just painted it to match the Evil Scouts van as a diversion!' said Robotnik, who had mysteriously appeared in the driver's seat. 'I happen to be the Head Counsellor of the Peace Scouts, by the way! I'm sorry, nephew, but this is for your own good! You won't have an evil bone in your little body, once we're through with you after our year-round program, my new little recruit! And as soon as we get to the camp grounds, the first thing you're going to do is read us a little story around a campfire while we all toast s'mores!'

The next thing the horrified and shocked Snively knew, he was bound from shoulder to ankle with thick rope, gagged tightly, and sat right next to his fellow Peace Scouts- who just happened to be Sonic and the Freedom Fighters. 'Welcome, Shrimpboat!' everybody sang out. Poor Snively just started to sob huge muffled sobs.

'Everybody all comfortable back there?' Robotnik called. 'Right then, off we go!'

As the van drove off, you could hear the muffled screaming and cursing of the one they called Snively the Great, the one who had found Knothole and almost captured those meddling Freedom Fighters in the episode, 'No Brainer'. He also rose to power at the end of 'The Doomsday Project'! NOW, FLY, MY PRETTIES, FLY! KILL THAT FREAKY SONIA AND HER LITTLE KEYBOARD AND MOTORCYCLE TOO!

The moral of this tale: If you ever go to join the Evil Scouts, make sure you don't have a family member on the other side, or you'll become a complete and utter loser for the rest of your life. Oh yeah, and Sonia just sucks.

This has been a Shychick Production!